Convalescing
by chilly-hands-warm-heart
Summary: Bella's injuries in the ballet studio were severe. This is the story of her recovery in Edward's POV. Angsty with doses of fluff. Canon. Read and review. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N-** Disclaimer: All is owned by the fabulous Stephenie Meyer. Please no sue. Kids need to eat.

Convalescing (As I Watch in Awe)-Chapter One

I cradled her in my arms, as gently as I could, in the back of Carlisle's Mercedes. I was glad she had drifted off to sleep; Carlisle was driving-like a maniac, as Bella would say- even by my standards. I half-heard him speaking on his cell, finding the nearest hospital, being connected to the ER, and explaining who he was and who he was bringing with him. His voice sounded calm, probably for my sake, but his thoughts gave him away. But I already knew Bella was in trouble; her injuries were severe, and she had lost so much blood.

As I looked at her, felt her in my arms, I sized her up. She was so cold, and a grayish-white in color. The right side of her face was purplish-blue, her right eye swollen. Her bottom lip was cut and dried blood was crusted on it. She was breathing shallowly through her mouth; I could see blood on her teeth. Her blood was everywhere- her hair was blackened with it and plastered to the back of her head; it covered her face, her hands. It soaked her white shirt and her jeans. The blood was dying, growing stale in its scent, but, alarmed, I smelled fresh blood, too. She was actively bleeding from somewhere. The back of her head? No, Carlisle had stitched that up…her hand? No, my venom had clotted that wound off…

Then I saw it. A bright red tendril of blood sliding down her neck, to her collar, down her chest. My eyes scanned her neck and her head to see the source, and I found it. It was coming from her ear.

My stomach clenched with the realization that this was usually the sign of a serious head injury.

"Carlisle, she's bleeding from her ear."

_Damn_."We're just about there, Edward. They're waiting for her. It will be alright."

It felt as if she was holding on to a thread with a weakening grasp, and I was on the other end, desperately clutching it to me, willing her to stay strong, stay with me.

As we pulled into the ambulance bay I could feel her starting to change. Her shallow little breaths were slower. Her heartbeat, the most precious sound in my world, was becoming slower and erratic. She lay limp in my lap, and if it weren't for those few staccato breaths and trembly heartbeats, I'd have thought she was dead. She looked dead.

I started to panic.

"Carlisle, we need to move, she's getting worse," I nearly shouted. Suddenly, he was parked and at the rear door, helping me ease her out of the car. We made sure not to jostle her, in fear of her broken ribs. She made no movement, no sound.

Her thread was fraying.

_Wow. What happened to her_?

The rush of voices and thoughts that ran around the ER assaulted me and I tried to tune them out. Carlisle helped me rush Bella into the ER. I heard her blood drip to the floor as we half-ran into the waiting area.

An older nurse saw us and shot up out of her chair at the desk and came around corner, looking over the bleeding girl in my arms with a practiced eye. _This is worse than I thought_.

"Is this Isabella Swan?" she asked. I nodded, unable to find my voice.

"This way." She slapped a button on the wall and a double door flew open, and she marched us past a few treatment rooms and led us to a large one marked Trauma Room 4. She gestured to the gurney in the center of the room and I lay Bella on it. The nurse got on the intercom.

"I need the trauma team to Trauma 4 STAT." She hung up and turned to Bella. "Isabella? Isabella? Can you hear me?"

Nothing. She rubbed Bella's sternum with her knuckles. "Isabella?" Not a sound.

She went into action then. Within a couple of minutes, Bella was hooked up to a heart monitor, blood pressure cuff, pulse oximeter and was about to get stuck with an IV needle.

_Her blood pressure's bottoming out…this might be a hard stick…where the hell is the trauma team?!..._

All of a sudden, the room was full of people in scrubs. Their assessments and shouted instructions flew though the air, destroying me with each syllable.

…_70/40, 56, thready and dropping…_

…_bleeding from her ear…_

…_what happened to this kid? …_

…_get a line in her, get a foley_…

…_type and screen, CBC, ABGs…_

…_that must've been some fall_…

…_looks like she had the crap beat out of her…_

…_is this an assault? Do I need a rape kit? …_

…_get radiology on the phone. We need a head CT…_

…_this was a witnessed fall…_

…_call the OR to prep for a possible open reduction…_

The OR? My God, surgery? Not with her heart so slow, pressure so low. She would never make it…

I was holding her thread so tight, I could almost feel it in my hands.

…_70 over palp, she's slipping…_

…_CT is ready…_

I wanted to run to her, touch her. Something was horribly wrong. Her heartbeat, so slow, so weak. A tidal wave of fear crashed over me. My phone went off in my pocket, but I ignored it as I listened to her fragile heart struggle.

And then her frayed little thread broke.

****

The sound of her heartbeat stopped. Her breathing ceased. The sound of her flatline on the monitor ripped right through my chest and speared me to the floor. The silence of her body tore through my senses; my gut was heaving, a wide open hole; my knees buckling…I was aware of myself lurching toward her, but being caught by an iron grip. Carlisle. A resident doctor came up to us and forced us out of the room. I wanted to tear through him. I wanted to go to her…she needed me…!

"Let us care for her…we've got this…let us help her…" he said. I struggled to reach her.

I was dragged out of the trauma room by my father and I slunk against the wall. "Carlisle, help her, oh God, Bella, please," I cried out, choking on the sobs hitching in my throat.

Carlisle's arm was around my shoulders, half soothing, half restraining as we listened to the desperate cadence of the voices behind the door.

…_paddles_… My phone went off in my pocket.

…_clear_… Carlisle's phone was going off now. I heard my Bella's body slam against the table. But no heartbeat.

…_again. Clear_… Again, her body slammed against the table…and then, faint as a whisper, an intake of breath and a thrum. A little, quiet thrum, hesitant and tired, but there.

…_we've got sinus rhythm…_

…_good. Tube her_…I latched on to the sound of her heart, my tether to this world.

…_lab says type O negative…_

…_get 2 units in her…_

…_that's all we've got. I'm calling the blood bank…_

…_72/46, 60 now, sinus rhythm…_

…_holding steady…_

The incessant ring of a cell phone was finally answered by Carlisle. "Edward. Talk to your sister."

"Edward!" Alice screeched in my ear. "Oh, Edward. She's going to be okay, I've seen it, the worst is over. She's stable now."

"Her heart's beating." My voice was raw. Cracked.

…_CT's waiting…_

…_tolerating transfusion…_

…_help me cut her jeans off. Watch her leg…_

"Edward!" Alice trilled, frustrated. "Are you even listening to me?"

I wasn't, really. The only thing I was listening to was the faint thrum of the heart of the girl I loved, holding on for her, for us.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**- Thanks for reading. Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Please no sue. Kids hungry.

Convalescing-Chapter Two

They came out the door, hustling her away down the hall. I only caught a quick glimpse of her. Hooked up to tubes, machines, a breathing tube down her throat. She was white as a ghost, and seemed so still, but her little heartbeat was there.

I couldn't stand to be away from her, so I started to follow, but again Carlisle restrained me. I glared at him.

"No, Edward. Let them handle her. The doctor wants to speak with us."

An older, grey-haired man came out of the trauma room, drying his hands with a towel. I noticed drops of sweat on his forehead. The look in his dark eyes was kind, but guarded.

"Are you Miss Swan's family?"

"No," Carlisle answered. "My son here, Edward, is her boyfriend. We were there when she fell. I treated her head wound at the scene."

"Oh. Yes. Excellent work, by the way. I'm Fausto Vasquez, head of the ER. You must be the Dr. Cullen that called in her arrival?"

"Yes."

_He looks way too young to have a teenaged son. And they are both so pale. And how the hell did he pull that off on scene? And had morphine on him?_

"So, how did you manage an 11 centimeter laceration repair in a hotel parking lot?" He was staring at my father intently.

Carlisle turned on his easygoing charm. "I make house calls frequently in rural Washington where we live. I always have my trusty black bag with me," he said with a smile. Dr. Vasquez seemed to relax then.

"Yeah, well, this could have been a very bad day. She has lost a lot of blood. We're infusing her now. She crashed, but we got her back." He wiped the sweat from his forehead. "We've got her in xray now and we're gonna see how bad that leg is. Scan her head, make sure all's in working order. We'll keep you posted," he said grimly. "You'll notify her parents? She's underage."

"Yes."

He looked me over and his face softened. "She's a beautiful girl." _Even all messed up._

"Inside and out," I managed to choke out. He looked me in the eye.

"We got her back. She came back," he smiled. "She has some fight in her, doesn't she?"

I laughed weakly. "Yes. You have no idea."

"Well," he sighed, "that's good. The next couple of weeks are going to be rough for her." He turned to Carlisle then. "Why don't you have a seat in the Radiology waiting room? It's quiet there. Get some coffee."

"Thank you, so much, Dr. Vasquez," said Carlisle as he shook the doctor's hand.

"Call me Fausto. I'll see you both soon." _Jeezus. He is ice cold…_

Thankfully, Dr. Vasquez didn't seem to have too much concern for our lack of body heat. His thoughts were on Bella. My Bella. I sat and listened to her faint heartbeat beating somewhere down the hall. I watched her through her attendant's eyes. She still looked deathly pale. They were scanning her leg.

I itched to be with her, by her side. I wanted to see her, touch her, hold her close. Kiss everywhere she'd been hurt. Somehow, I would make this all up to her.

Yeah, right, I screamed to myself. And just how do I do that? The girl is practically dead, with unknown extent of injury. They were pouring someone else's blood in her to keep her alive. And when she wakes up, the pain will be agony…not to mention the memory…if she has a memory…if she has a head injury!

My thoughts were rapidly spiraling out of control. No, no, no. I fought to get a hold of myself.

She knew who I was at the ballet studio. She'll remember everything, no doubt.

That's when it will all be over.

That's when she will finally realize the danger of being with me. She will regret every moment, every touch, every kiss that brought us closer. And she will want nothing more to do with me.

"You won't hurt me," she once said. Well, her injuries weren't from my hand, but they were my fault nonetheless.

I should have left her alone. My family told me to stay away from her. But I could not- I was too weak. Too fascinated, too turned on, totally captivated, enraptured…alive again.

Her presence shocked me back to life, like those paddles shocked hers. Electrified.

But that was my selfishness to the core. I was a monster, with no right to have a claim on her as mine. I didn't deserve her, and she certainly didn't deserve all this pain. My mind flashed to the image of her whimpering and broken on the ballet studio floor. "It hurts," she cried. The weight of that recent memory dropped my shoulders and my chin fell to my chest. I felt Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder, but he was quiet.

"It hurts…"

Those two words I could not get out of my head. They hung there, tormenting me, chipping away at my emotional self-control. I was losing it, slowly unraveling.

****

Jasper, Emmett, and Alice found us in the waiting area and the wave of calm that enveloped me was most welcome. Alice danced over to me and gave me a hug. Emmett and Jasper both sat down across from me and regarded me carefully.

_It's all taken care of, bro. He's history_. Emmett gave me a satisfied smile. I closed my eyes at the image.

"I have Bella's wallet with me," Alice announced. "It has her driver's license and insurance card in it. I'm pretty sure that they need that at the front desk."

Carlisle nodded.

"I'll take care of that, then," she continued. "Has anyone called her family?"

"No."

"I'll take care of that too, then," she said thoughtfully. Her eyes glazed over with a vision. "Hmmm. The doctor will be out in six minutes with good news, Edward." She gave my shoulder a quick squeeze, then turned and danced her way down the hall to the registration desk.

Like she said, six minutes later, Dr. Vasquez from the ER came out to speak with us.

"Good news, although she's in pretty bad shape," he started. "Couple cracks in her skull…" my stomach wrenched…" but no brain injury. Four broken ribs…" I sucked in a deep breath… "but no internal injury. Hips, pelvis, spine, neck all good. Of course that right leg has a tib-fib fracture. Mercifully, we just need to set it and cast it. It's a lovely clean break, as far as breaks go," he mused.

I exhaled a breath of relief.

"She seems stable. We're going to deal with her leg now and keep her sedated. I'll keep her on the bi-pap machine, help her breathe with a little less effort. She'll be in the ICU for a couple of days until she starts to come around."

Carlisle asked about possible heart damage and they went into a complicated conversation. I could keep up, of course; and I did…but another part of my mind wandered.

No brain injury…no internal injury…a lovely clean break, I chanted to myself. I ached to go to her. "May I please see her?"

"Not yet, no," Dr. Vasquez frowned. "Dr White is setting and casting her leg, and she's getting cleaned up as we speak. We're in a hurry to get her upstairs."

He looked at his watch and seemed a little lost in his thoughts. _He would probably freak out if he saw her right now. Poor kid. Better to wait._

I was disappointed but I understood. Of course I had already seen Bella at the worst. Nothing could be worse than that.

"I'll send a nurse for you." With a nod and a polite smile, he left, and we sat down to wait some more in silence.

After a little while, Alice glided into the waiting room and sat down next to me. "You'll see Bella in two hours and ten minutes. But be prepared, Edward. It won't be pretty."

Didn't she realize that I'd been monitoring her through the doctor's eyes? Every breath, every heartbeat…but no, I didn't really see her, when I thought about it. I refused to look at her mangled body. I wondered why. A form of self-preservation? I automatically shied away from the pain of that sight. But I wanted to be with her at the same time. I needed to be with her. And I needed to face the aftermath of my choices head-on, no matter the pain.

I looked at Alice and Jasper. I felt exhausted, for the first time in recent memory.

"I called Charlie and Renee," Alice said. "It was a rough conversation with both of them. They don't know who I am. Renee is hysterical. Charlie sounded…well…_scary_. They're both getting on planes."

I groaned to myself. Facing them after what I'd done- exposing Bella after telling Charlie that I'd take care of his girl-I would quietly surrender to whatever wrath may come my way, for I surely deserved it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**-Wow,I can't believe so many people are actually reading this. Thanks! Please review! And of course, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Please no sue. Kids need a roof over their heads.

Convalescing- Chapter Three

Two hours is the blink of an eye to an immortal, but these two hours felt like all eternity. Finally, we heard a ding of an elevator opening somewhere and then soft, slightly squeaky footsteps advancing in our direction. A young nurse with short brown hair came into view and approached my father.

_Wow. What a nice-looking group_. "Are you with Isabella Swan?"

I got up automatically, excited, terrified. "Yes. May we see her?"

"Yes. I've come to escort you. My name is Mallory. I'm one of the ICU nurses taking care of her. Follow me, I'll take you to her."

The nurse led us to the elevator and up to the fourth floor, then down a bright white, sterile, impossibly long hallway. The pace was maddening. I wanted to break into a sprint and just find her myself. Eventually we arrived at a closed glass door. The nurse waved her ID at a sensor on the wall and the door popped open. More hallway.

I felt jittery and impatient. It was a strange way to feel. I wanted to see her, and then again, I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to see her brokenness, her pain.

"How is she?" I managed to ask.

Mallory thought for a moment_. She's a mess, poor_ _thing_.

"Well, she is heavily sedated. Completely unconscious. She doesn't feel a thing. She is on a machine to assist her breathing, but that's temporary. We'll probably take that out tomorrow. She's getting blood transfusions because she lost an awful lot. Her blood pressure was real low, but it's better now. The doctor will probably start weaning her from the sedatives maybe tomorrow, and then she'll come around when it's worn off."

Alice was flipping through flashes of the future. "How soon?"

"We don't know…A day or so? Hopefully a little later rather than sooner. Her body, her mind, really needs the solid rest that the sedation provides." We finally arrived at the ICU. "Do you have any questions for me?"

"What are the visiting hours here in the ICU?" asked Carlisle.

"9 to 11am and then 5 to 8pm."

I really hoped she was mistaken. "That's it?!"

"Well, we've been known to not be so strict at night…" She looked around quickly and put a finger to her lips. "Shhh." She smiled.

I liked her immediately. I knew she would take good care of my Bella. She paused at the door of a suite 2 and turned to us once more. "Um. Just two at a time, please." She looked at me with concern. _He looks like he's falling apart_.

"Are you OK?" she asked gently.

I surprised myself with my answer. "I'm afraid of what I'm going to see," I said sheepishly.

_Poor guy_. "You're going to see a young lady who is healing, not dying. She's stable. Every minute she's actually getting a little better, not worse. OK?"

I looked at the nurse, unsure of what to say, so I remained silent as she opened Bella's door and stepped aside for me. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment when I saw her lying there. For that moment, there are no words.

****

_I stepped inside and let the nice-looking young man in and waited for another person in his group to enter, but no one did. They were looking at him…Edward, I think his name was…and the little pretty dark-haired girl said, "We'll give him some time alone." They turned and went off to the waiting room. I quickly passed up Edward and walked up to the nurse who relieved me so I could fetch the family. She was disconnecting Miss Swan's third bag of whole blood. It was empty. "Thanks, Sue," I said. "Any changes?"_

"_Nope. Stable. Vitals good, no temp."_

_We turned to walk out of the room, and nearly left out the door, but we stopped when we glanced at the young man._

_He was staring at her, a few feet away from her bed, taking it all in. He was so pale, and he was shaking. He looked from one machine to another, then at her leg propped up on the bed. He stood, stock-still, staring at her monitors for a minute. I wondered if he was going into shock._

_He slowly walked over to her bedside and sat down in the chair there. He watched her with one of the saddest expressions I have ever seen. He reached for her and stroked her cheek once, twice, a third time. Then he took her hand slowly, gently, as if he was afraid he was going to break it. He kissed each finger, turned it over, kissed her palm, the inside of her wrist, then the back of her hand…and then he scooted forward in the chair and bent his head down to her chest. He…listened? …for a moment, then placed the slightest of kisses there. He let the side rail down, and laid his head on her pillow. "Bella, love, I'm here," he whispered. "You're safe now. I love you." His voice cracked a little. I thought I heard a blip on her heart monitor…_

_I suddenly felt like an intruder, like an unwelcome witness to an intimate moment. We left the room then, so they could be alone, my own heart breaking from watching his pain._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**-Thanks for reading. It's nice how many hits this crazy thing has gotten! Review,review,review! Of course, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No sue, no sue, no sue.

Convalescing- Chapter Four

I sat with Bella, watching her chest rise and fall, listening to her breathe, her heart beat. After a while, Carlisle came in and gave Bella a careful look-over. He then said something that I already knew, since I had picked it out of Alice's head. Renee would be here in a couple of hours, and we needed to clean up. Well, more specifically, I did. My shirt was splattered with Bella's blood.

Bella's blood. I thought about her blood. There was a pulse in my gut than began to beat, a drumming that reverberated in the back of my throat. But there was no flow of venom; this craving was not of bloodlust, but borne of anger…I was aware of my throat starting to tighten and my muscles contracting, poised to lash out and seek out vengeance…an eye for an eye…but that was already done. That thought did nothing to curb my building rage. I looked at her lying on the hospital bed, so still. Covered in gauze and plaster, hooked up to tubes, machines. Out cold. She has bruises on her face. Stitches in her head…

I tried to get a grip on myself and swallowed hard. I tried to think of Bella and how she was before James had gotten a hold of her. I thought about her smile… how her hair shone in the sun in the meadow…how she had kissed me. I thought of her beautiful shape in that little blue blouse. I thought about how she had trusted me enough to sleep in my arms, just a few nights ago. And now here she was, sedated away from me, away from surely agonizing pain. She had trusted me, and I had let her down. Brought a monster upon her…

The pounding pulse in my gut spread up to my chest, my ears. I had to get out of here. Now. My anger was taking over. I wished I could've killed him myself, torn him limb from limb, turned him into dust, nothing left to burn. In my mind I saw Bella bleeding on the floor…the pounding in my chest and the snarling rage in my head became desperate to find a way out. I needed to escape. I needed to destroy something…

I kissed Bella's bandaged hand and quickly got up to leave. Carlisle followed me with a worried expression. "Edward?"

"I need your car." My voice was barely audible. He tossed me the keys. _Be careful._

Alice started to follow me out. "No, Alice," I warned.

"I'm not going to stop you, Edward. I'm going to tell you where to go."

****

Alice drove off into the night, as fast as she dared, away from the sprawling city and deep into the wilderness. I almost didn't let her drive, but I was way too far gone to argue with her. After a ways, she stopped and got out on the side of the road. She looked at me. _To the north,_ she thought. _Let it go_.

And then it happened…the seething nuclear anger burst out, and I was running. The grief, the guilt, exploded from my feet and propelled me forward like a rocket. I killed every animal I could find. A bobcat. A pack of coyotes. I drained them dry, crushed their bodies.

It was not enough.

I thought about what James did to her. How my existence brought it upon her. I was tormented by the sight of her face, her crooked leg, the smell of her blood, the sound of it dripping on the hospital floor…

"_It hurts…" _she had whimpered_._

I thought about how she should've just waited for me at the airport. We would've figured it out together. We would've saved her mother. But she had wanted to protect me. I didn't get it. I didn't need it. It was ridiculous…why didn't she just wait for me? Why?

_"It hurts…"_

I cannot live with her and keep her in danger. I can't live without her and return to the meaningless emptiness that her loss would cause. I wanted her. I wanted her to be with me, smiling at me, lying next to me, calling out my name. I wanted to feel her heart pound, breath speed, blush rise-for me.

I was so…confused. So angry. Another vision of her flashed in my mind- my head on her chest in the meadow, my breathing in time to the rise and fall of her breasts. Then the vision changed to her bandaged bitten hand, the flatlined monitor, torturing me, enraging me…

_"It hurts…"_

I screamed out loud and flung a huge rock as hard as I could. I didn't see it land. I took another small boulder and heaved, watching in disgust as it crumbled into dust. Scrubby vegetation ripped out of the ground…a cactus, torn to shreds, wishing it was James, wishing it was me…

I collapsed, my chest heaving, dry sobs wreaking havoc on my breathing. Then Alice was there, holding me to her, smoothing my hair, letting my grief take me, incapacitate me.

After a couple of minutes, I started to calm down some. "Edward, Edward," Alice soothed. See what I see…

_Bella smiling, sitting up in a chair. Bella in a blue dress dancing with me at…prom? A black brace on her leg, but her, alive and happy. Beautiful…In our meadow, lying together, the sun in her hair, her face alight with love, acceptance, trust, forgiveness…_

"It will be alright, Edward. It will all work out. I have seen the both of you together, forever."

I cringed at the sight of Bella's amber eyes in her vision. "Bella being one of us is not having it all worked out, Alice," I cried. "I can't think about that right now."

"Then let's just take it one day at a time, Edward. We need to concentrate on Bella. She is going to recover, but she is going to need lots of help. She needs you to not fall apart. She doesn't need your guilt or your anger now."

I sighed. I knew she was right. I pushed those feelings down as far as they would go, to the back of my mind.

I took in the scenery and wished Bella was with me to witness the desert sky at night. There were so many stars out. This was the place she loved. I remembered her animated description of the land. I kicked at the ground. Now her memories of Phoenix are tainted; a hell on Earth, her home ruined forever- because of me.

We sat in silence a few minutes more. I concentrated on breathing. _In,out_. I still felt shaky, but we were running out of time. We made our way back to the car and floored it to the hotel so I could clean up and get ready to face Renee. I pulled myself together the best I could. I was good at acting calm while facing danger. I had 80 years experience with suppressing my emotions. I prayed that all that practice would serve me well tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N**-Thank you for all the great reviews, you all rock. For some reason this chapter was hard to write- I hope you guys like it. Keep reviewing! As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

Convalescing-Chapter Five

When we arrived back at the hospital, it was late, and very quiet. We made our way back up to the ICU. I approached the nurse whom was so nice earlier-I guessed that she worked nights- and asked how Bella was doing.

She looked up at me from the computer that was situated on her desk built into the wall. The ICU was impressive- Carlisle was pleased with the design of the facility. The unit was set in the round, with the nurses' station set in the middle. Each patient room was private, and between each room was a little nook with a computer, desk and telephone. The walls and doors were all glass with privacy blinds. Bella's blinds were down, but open; I could see her shallow breaths, hear her heartbeat. It was good and strong. I half-smiled. My tiger-kitten. I tried not to look at her poor leg.

"She's doing okay," the nurse told me. "No changes. I just gave her a tetanus booster shot." She smiled, and looked around quickly."Want to say hi real quick?"

I nodded.

"Okay. Shut the blinds."

I let myself into Bella's room and closed her blinds as instructed. I turned to face Bella's bed and was immediately struck dumb. How had I not noticed before?

She smelled so different. I supposed her natural floral essence was there, but a different scent was masking it. The blood of another human, mingling with hers. I did not like it one bit. It saddened me. I knew it was temporary, but still, it was another reminder of our situation. It pleased me, though, that I hadn't noticed till now. The monster in me that craved her blood was beaten down. Maybe it was satiated by her blood already running in my veins. I drove the thought of her blood in my veins out of my brain. It sickened me.

She was pale white still, but her lips were regaining their lovely shade of pink. I bent down and kissed her forehead and her cheeks. I wished to kiss her lips, and like out of a fairy tale, have her awaken to me. But this was no fairy tale. It was a nightmare. She had a breathing tube in the way. And, honestly, I wanted her to rest.

"Your mom and Charlie will be here soon, Bella," I told her. "I love you. I'll be back."

I had a very tough time leaving her bedside, but I managed to, and I left her room to find her nurse frantic about the gentleman next door. _I can't do this code by myself, people!_

She was rushing around the room, and stopped suddenly to place a hand on her stomach. _Ugh…_

Maybe she was hungry. I stopped at a vending machine and got a Coke and a granola bar for her. I put it on the desk outside of Bella's room. Maybe that would help. I looked in the next room and noticed that now there was a crowd of people in it. I blocked out the noise as best as I could. It reminded me of earlier…of the flatlined monitor…

I turned to leave and strode down the hallway. No one noticed me. I entered the waiting area and found Carlisle, Alice, Emmett and Jasper all staring at the TV.

"Renee will be here in 24 minutes, Edward," Alice reported. I shuddered. This was not how I had wanted to meet Bella's mother. I dreaded seeing her reaction to the sight of her only child broken in a hospital bed. But I was curious too, to what she looked like. What her mind was like.

We heard her arrival from down the hall. We got up to meet her. I shook with nerves.

Walking towards her, I took in her posture, tense with stress. Her face was wide-eyed and tear-streaked. She was slender, about as tall as Bella, and pretty, but her eyes were blue and full of panic. She was listening to the nurse, but her head was full of questions that she didn't voice.

_What am I going to do?_

_When she gets better, I'm taking her home with me._

_I never should have let her go. I should have known Charlie couldn't look after her._

_Where is she? How bad is she?_

She did a double take when she saw my family and me. In fact, she stared at us open-mouthed. I fidgeted with discomfort. I needed to say something.

Alice spoke first.

"Mrs. Dwyer? I'm Alice Cullen. We spoke on the phone." She smiled sweetly.

"Oh. Yes. Hi." Her voice was high-pitched, childlike, but with a hard edge to it. _This is the Cullens?_

She looked directly at me. "Are you Edward, then?" _Nice-looking young man. Wow._

"Yes. I am so sorry that we have to meet like this." I couldn't look her in the eyes. I bowed my head in shame.

"Me too. Wh-what happened to her again? I want to see her. Where is she?" Now her voice had an edge of hysteria to it.

The nurse, bless her, saved me.

"She's this way, Mrs. Dwyer. She fell down some stairs and out of a window." She put her hand on Renee's shoulder. "She has a broken leg, a few broken ribs and she lost a lot of blood. We had to give her a few transfusions…"

_Oh my God_. "You had to give her blood? Someone else's blood? You guys screen that stuff for diseases, right? Please tell me you screen that for diseases. I don't even know Bella's blood type. I should write it down…" Her voice shook. She covered her face with her hands but spoke through them. "She got it through a needle right? She is scared to death of needles…and blood makes her throw up…" She burst into tears then, a torrent of fear and pain, that ripped right through my heart.

The nurse wrapped Renee up in a hug. "Shh, shh," she soothed, "Bella didn't feel a thing or notice the blood. I promise. She has been sedated and is resting very well. Her blood type is type O negative, by the way. Did you know that's the rarest kind?"

Emmett snorted next to me. _That figures. Explains a lot._

I rolled my eyes at him.

The nurse released Renee. "And don't you worry about Bella getting a disease from the blood. All the blood is checked out first. It comes from healthy people. OK? Everything's going to be fine. Now, she does have a tube in her mouth and down her throat to help her breathe. We'll probably take that out in the morning. Don't freak out when you see it. Ok?"

"Ok," Renee sniffed.

"Are you ready to see her now?"

Renee blew her nose loudly into a tissue that she had fished out of her bag. "I think so." _No_. _I don't want to see her. Not like this._

"Let's go see her together." We hung back in the hallway while the nurse gently guided Renee to Bella's bedside. I heard a gasp, and Renee's renewed sobs. It was pure torture.

"Bella? Bella, honey? Bella? It's mom. Can you hear me? Mom's here. Everything's ok. Oh, Bella…Why…won't she wake up?"

"She's in a deep sleep so she can rest and heal, Mrs. Dwyer. She'll be out a couple of days."

"Really? Oh." _She did say something like that. Sedation. God, I can't think straight._

She sat down on the chair next to Bella's bed and peppered the nurse with seemingly endless questions. To my amazement, the nurse answered each one without a single snide comment in her head. After about a half hour, she gently guided Renee out of Bella's room and told her about visiting hours, and where the waiting room and cafeteria was.

_Wow. The nurse must have lots of experience in dealing with spastic mothers. _

I shot another look at Emmett. _Just sayin'._

Alice offered to drive Renee home for the evening and pick her up in the morning. She agreed, looking tense but sounded grateful. They left, and I felt relieved that I didn't have to talk to her much. But I couldn't escape her questions for long, or her anger. I was sure it was coming. How could it not?

Then there was the matter of Charlie, who would be here soon. Hopefully the nurse would handle him too…but that was childish of me to even think that. Charlie knew when Bella left that she was full of it. He blamed all of this on me. He was right of course. Would he make a scene here in the hospital? Probably. I couldn't blame him.

I sat down on a hard, cheap chair in the waiting room. It was just me and Carlisle- the others went back to the hotel.

_Stay calm, Edward. I'll help you with Charlie._

To say that I was grateful to my family would be a gross understatement. What did I do to deserve them? Deserve Bella?

I didn't deserve anything.

I leaned my head back against the wall to stare at the ceiling tiles. I felt yet another wave of despair rising up to the surface and had to choke it back down. I couldn't lose it again. I closed my eyes and thought about good things, beautiful things. _Sunsets. Ocean waves. The meadow. Bella. _


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N**-Poor Edward. He's a wreck. He'll be better soon. Thanks for reading. Please review! As always, Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight!

Convalescing- Chapter Six

When Charlie arrived at the hospital, about an hour later, he was a little frantic, but trying hard to hide it. You could tell he was nervous. His rapid heartbeats gave him away.

We decided to give him space, to see Bella alone. Another nurse greeted his arrival, as Bella's nurse was working with her, cleaning her up and changing bandages. Bella slept on.

When Nurse Mallory emerged, she looked tired. It was about 4 in the morning. She greeted Charlie warmly and answered his questions, led him into Bella's room and left him alone with her. _He seems angry_.

He didn't stay long. He said nothing. Even his thoughts were quiet. Almost detached, condemning. _Oh Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella._

He came out of her room looking drawn and a little pale. We approached him then. Carlisle went up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. I was thankful to him for breaking the ice first.

"She's going to be fine, Charlie," Carlisle offered.

"Thanks to you. I'm so glad you were there. That you all went after her." He looked at me pointedly. I braced myself…

"What the hell happened between you two? I thought you went to play baseball and the next thing I know, the kid's hysterical and running off in the middle of the night to drive all the way to Phoenix. Next she's falling out of windows, for Christ's sake! I'm sorry Carlisle, but if your boy here hurt her in any way…" He pointed a shaky finger at me, his thoughts filled with rage, and I recoiled from the images in his head of me being violent and exploiting Bella. My head was going to explode.

"I assure you, Chief Swan, I didn't hurt Bella or touch her dishonorably. I care for her too much, sir. That's why I think she panicked. I think she's afraid that our feelings for each other will lead her to the same situations her parents were in and it terrified her. I came after her to make it all right…" I stammered through the lies. I wondered briefly if there was any truth to those statements. I hoped not.

Charlie stared at me. "Maybe you should take the hint and leave her the hell alone." I cringed. I couldn't think about that. Of course, that was exactly what I should do.

A nurse approached us hesitantly. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but could you please adjourn to the waiting room? Visiting hours start again at 9am." She waited expectantly.

"Of course. I apologize." With a glance toward Bella's room, I turned and walked off with Charlie and my family following.

_Screw visiting hours. That's my daughter!_ Charlie's anger was growing, but he complied. Carlisle convinced Charlie to stay at our hotel and ride with us in the morning to see Bella. He grudgingly agreed. His thoughts became anxious about Bella. My father kept him occupied with polite banter. He did not address me again.

I longed to return to Bella. Just holding her hand was soothing to my torched nerves. But I would have to wait, and I knew she was in good hands.

_Bella won't come around until Friday_, Alice thought to me when we got to our hotel. I sighed. The next 24 hours or so would be very, very trying.

****

It was a relief to look at Bella's face the next morning. They had removed the breathing tube, and she was breathing just fine on her own. Her heartbeat was strong and regular, just a little slower than usual. Probably from the sedatives, Carlisle explained.

I couldn't take my eyes off her. Even in unconsciousness, beaten and bruised, she took my breath away. I kissed her lightly on the lips, on her cheeks. I lingered there a moment, taking in her scent, her warmth, her softness. She was starting to smell more like herself.

I wished that she would awaken for me, but I was afraid of what her reality wound bring. And I wished I could spend the short visiting hours with just her. But her parents were here, and my family as well, and who the hell was I to dominate her bedside? They had more a right to her than I did. I felt useless.

****

Later on, I felt tension and heard raised voices from down the hall. Charlie and Renee were in the middle of a heated discussion.

"I knew I shouldn't have left her with you."

"This has nothing to do with me. If anything, it's your fault. For God's sake, you've brainwashed her against Forks, against relationships…" Charlie's face was bright red.

"I won't raise my daughter to make the same mistakes I did." Charlie winced at that. _This again._

"I was a mistake huh? Was Bella a mistake?"

"No. Of course not!"

"She has the right to be happy and have a boyfriend if she wants one. I won't raise my daughter to be afraid of her own feelings!"

"She's stronger than that, Charlie."

"Oh really? Then why is she here?"

"You're the one who probably made her miserable! All you do is work, fish, and watch sports. I think she just wanted to come home, but didn't know how to tell you," Renee spat, hands on her hips, nose in the air.

_You…bitch._ "I don't think so. I'm done talking to you." He retreated to the other side of the room and sat down with his face in his hands. Jasper threw out a wave of calm, and everyone visibly relaxed.

_The tension in this place is killing me, Edward. I don't know how long I can stay here._

I nodded. I felt for Jasper…his emotional radar was picking up everything in the hospital. He frequently hung around the maternity ward, since that was the happiest floor here.

Jasper's discomfort. Bella's pain. Charlie and Renee fighting. It was all because of me. I couldn't escape the reality that my actions had far-reaching collateral damage. How bad would it get?

I isolated myself from everyone as much as I could. I decided to retreat to a little-used waiting area in the lower level of the hospital. I kept my thoughts in tune with Bella's doctors and nurses, skipping out of their minds when they went in to do personal care. I could not bear to see her injuries exposed like that anyway.

The doctors were pleased with her progress and were weaning her off the sedatives. She will awaken tomorrow, as Alice had seen. I was impatient for her eyes to open, to hear her voice.

It was easy to block out the painful thoughts of the hospital but not as easy to stay hidden from my family. Naturally, they found me.

"Edward."

I looked up at Alice and Carlisle. Jasper and Emmett had gone hunting. "I want to be alone."

"You've been alone for hours and hours," Carlisle fretted. "Renee and Charlie are wondering about you." _They've stopped fighting, son. They were just emotional and upset about Bella. They're better now._

"Edward, you can't hold yourself responsible for other people's reactions. The fight was not your fault," added Alice.

I nodded, mostly to get them to stop.

"We're going back to the hotel. Want to come?" Alice asked hopefully.

I shook my head no.

She sighed. "Suit yourself." _You need a break from this place._

"I'll be alright."

They left me alone then. I decided to get up and I found myself going up to Bella's floor. I wandered into the waiting room and found Renee and Charlie staring at the TV. An empty pizza box was on the table in front of them.

"Oh, Edward, there you are," she called out as she approached me. She stopped a few feet from me and raised her arm as if to touch me, but seemed to think better of it and dropped her hand to her side. Her eyes-so expressive, my God- just like her daughter's. They were curious, but tired. Sad. "Edward. I-I want to tell you something. I want you to know that I don't blame you for Bella's accident. She is so accident _prone_. This really could've happened anywhere…" Her tone was high-pitched yet deeply sincere.

I tried not to laugh darkly at her innocence of the situation. If she only knew. "Thank you, Renee." I looked down at my feet. "I feel terrible that this happened."

"Ah, Edward. I'm the neurotic mother that she got her phobias from, remember?" She slid a glance at Charlie. "I should apologize to you, really." She gave an embarassed laugh.

I looked up at her then. A conversation between her and Bella flowed through her mind.

_Don't ruin your life like I did, Bella. Married too young, stuck in that lifeless town. So stupid. At least I got you out of the deal. _Bella rolled her eyes_._

_I don't think you'll have to worry about it, Mom._

I gave Renee a smile. Maybe she still won't have to worry about it. Bella most likely won't want anything to do with me after this.

****

At 3:59pm I was ready to see my Bella. But I waited until Renee and Charlie saw her first. They came out after an hour. Their thoughts were still fearful, even though the doctors had assured them both that Bella would recover. They hated her stillness, and the monitors made them jumpy. Renee wanted to hug Bella but was afraid to touch her. She fretted over Bella's hair, of all things. "She would die if she saw her hair," she told Charlie. "They won't really wash it because of all the stitches."

"Yeah." It was all he could come up with. Charlie was a man of few words, but was just about rendered mute now. He was afraid of falling apart, or at the very least, saying something stupid.

When they came out, Renee patted my shoulder. Charlie ignored me. Alice and I went in to see Bella, and Alice smiled big. "She smells a lot better now!"

I smiled back.

I took up my seat and arranged myself in my spot, my head next to hers on the pillow. I gently kissed her bruised cheek. "Hello, love," I breathed.

Being in the room with her again instantly relaxed me. I worked on thinking of her as just peacefully sleeping, trying to ignore all the beeping and whirring and dripping around us. But what didn't escape my notice was her silence.

In her sedation, her sleep-talking was completely absent. It was so strange to see her sleep and not say anything. I wanted to hear her musical voice say my name again. For a moment, I wondered if she would ever sleep-talk again. Or the so-called 'glitch' in her brain- the one that kept her thoughts closed to me-would her head injuries alter that as well?

I didn't know how to feel about that.

Alice was standing by the window. She was planning a shopping trip and a beauty overhaul for when Bella woke up. I smiled at the vision only because Bella did look like she felt better afterwards.

Tomorrow. I couldn't wait.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**-Thanks for reading. As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Please no sue. Kids need shoes.

Convalescing- Chapter Seven

Charlie and Renee didn't fight out loud anymore but their thoughts towards each other weren't exactly what you would call cordial. I was comforted that they had both come to the realization that fighting would definitely not help their daughter, and they both loved Bella too much to make her recovery any harder.

We spent a few quiet hours together in the ICU waiting room. Alice and Renee talked to each other frequently and their conversations were sometimes silly, but often sweet as Renee recounted Bella's clumsy childhood. I took in every word and savored each image of a young Bella that flashed into Renee's mind.

Sometimes they just talked about current events that they saw reported on the news.

When Renee learned that the ballet studio around the corner from her house went up in flames with a stolen car left in front, she decided to sleep in the ICU waiting room. She was terrified to return home with an arsonist on the loose. Alice found some pillows and blankets for her after Renee refused to go get a room at the hotel with us. She wanted to stay close to Bella, she explained. But I knew from her thoughts that she felt frightened and vulnerable, especially with Phil in Florida.

I couldn't help but feel guilty for this, too. Because of me, Renee didn't feel safe in her own home. I truly was a monster.

I felt so overcome with the guilt and shame over Renee's discomfort that my insides were shaking. I wanted desperately to apologize for everything that happened, for all the pain that I have caused, but I knew that she wouldn't understand. Not to mention that I would sound insane. I wished I could cry. I had to excuse myself from the room.

The raging despair I felt the other night came bubbling back up to the surface, and I felt myself starting to lose it. The images I tried so hard to force out of my head came flipping back to my brain in full color and pristine detail. I could feel the bloody dampness of her hair…I could taste James' venom in my mouth…

Desperate for some kind of a release, I walked the halls… I turned a corner and saw a sign above a door that said Quiet Room. I turned the doorknob and let myself in. The room was dark and empty, with a few couches and some Bibles on a low table. I left the lights off and sank into one of the couches. I felt as if I were drowning.

Without much thought, I flipped my phone open and dialed the number of the only person that could really help me right now.

****

"Edward!" Her soft voice washed over me. "I'm so glad you've called. I've been so worried about you."

I stalled. I didn't want to worry her any further. But I couldn't hold things in any longer. I was wavering between giving her an update and…

"Edward? Talk to me, dear." Esme's sweet motherly voice unlocked it, the torrent of pain, and it all came rushing out, unstoppable.

"I hate myself for everything that has happened here. You should see Bella. Motionless. Hooked up to all kinds of tubes and machines. Needles! She is terrified of needles! And I…I did this to her. I put her in harm's way. The blood…it was everywhere…I can still feel it, still smell it…I can't get it out of my mind. Charlie and Renee were fighting. Renee is too scared to sleep in her own home. I've driven her out of her own home!"

"Edward…" Esme started. I cut her off, the torrent still gushing, the words bleeding out like Bella's head, draining me.

"When Bella wakes up and feels the pain of her injuries and relives that day over and over, and sees the tubes, the _catheter_," the words were choking me, "and sees me there knowing that if it wasn't for me, she would be safe and whole and happy, and none of this would've happened. She will hate me, or come to hate me. And she should." My thoughts were disjointed, racing ahead. "I never should have pursued her. I should have stayed in Denali. I was so, so wrong. Now look what I've done, look what I've done…" My chest felt like it was wide open, a hole full of ice. I could barely hold the phone.

"Oh, Edward," Esme said. "Edward, stop, dear. Stop."

I tried to slow my frantic thoughts, and I closed my eyes.

"Edward. You gave Bella the opportunity to make an informed decision. She knew the risks and chose you in spite of them. She loves you, Edward. Didn't she say so?"

"Yes," I whispered. I thought of her unguarded, sleeping confession while lying in my arms the other night. How my heart ached to hold her now.

"She would never hold this against you. She will heal. The two of you belong together, to each other- Alice has seen it-"

I groaned.

"I know how you feel about that, Edward. But regardless, in the future you're together. She is safe. And happy."

"I'm not worth it, not worth her," I returned.

"Are you not? She seems to think so. She seems to think you are worth fighting for, worth dying for. She loves you, Edward. You cannot debate her feelings. They are what they are." She was quiet and I thought about what she just said.

_You cannot debate her feelings._

"And I understand why you feel guilty, but Edward you have to let that go now. It's not your fault. Bad things could have happened to her even if you weren't a vampire. Move forward, son. She needs you."

It really wasn't that simple. How can we move forward when I was constantly putting her at risk? How is that love? She deserved so much better. I sighed into the phone. I was torn in two, between staying with her and letting her go. I loved her. And, yes, she loved me. Leaving her would hurt her, and all but destroy me. There was no easy way out, yet, no easy way to stay. But Esme was right; Bella needed me. As I needed her.

Slowly I started to feel a little better, or at the very least, more in control. "I have a lot of neuroses to work on, don't I?"

She laughed. "You have always been an emotional wreck, Edward. For being a so-called soul-less monster, you have an awfully big heart."

"That's what gets me into trouble."

"What are you going to do now?"

I knew exactly what to do. "I'm going to go see Bella."

"Aren't visiting hours over?"

"She has a very nice nurse."

I could hear the smile in her voice. "Give her a kiss for me…I miss you all very much."

"Carlisle and Jasper will be home on Saturday."

"I know. Emmett told me when I picked him up at the airport," she said wistfully. Emmett had flown home Wednesday night to return to Rosalie and Esme. Even though they could handle Victoria, he was anxious to get back to them just in case.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Edward?"

"Thank you," I said, and hung up, grateful, more peaceful.

****

I was so glad that Mallory was Bella's nurse again tonight. I passed by the waiting room and noted Alice's crazy grin. She was reciting the theme song to the Brady Bunch in Swahili. Not good. Renee was fast asleep on the couch and Charlie was snoring, loudly, in the chair across from her. It was around midnight.

"What's going on?" I demanded in a whisper.

"Go see!" Alice beamed.

I waited for no one to be at the nurses' station and looked for Bella's nurse. She was in Bella's room. I could hear her hum a little song that I didn't know. The blinds were drawn and I couldn't see in, but I could hear the sound of a drawer closing, and a plastic bag being tied.

The nurse stopped her song, and said to Bella, "There, pretty lady, wait'll he sees you now!"

_WAS SHE AWAKE?! _

I heard the nurse's footsteps toward the door, and she opened it, her arms full of supplies.

"Oh!" she cried out, surprised to see me there.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Her face looked tired and a little pale. "I'm easily startled, actually," she smiled. "I just fixed Bella up for the evening. I got a bottle of special shampoo that you don't need to rinse out and I got all the blood out of her hair. It's a good thing cause now I can really see her scalp. Umm, didn't your dad sew her up? God, it's perfect, like a machine did it!"

I laughed. "May I see her?"

"Yes, of course you can."

"Is…she awake?" I asked hopefully, but with a strange pang of nervousness in my stomach.

"No, but she did mumble something twice while I was doing her hair. She's starting to come around."

"What did she say?" I asked, curious, excited.

A look came over her face that I couldn't define. "It sounded like 'Edward, I'm sorry.'"

The thought of Bella saying my name again absolutely thrilled me. I was starting to mull over her feelings of contrition, when the click-click sound of heels against linoleum and an opening door shot Mallory's head around, and she looked back at me, eyes wide.

"Night supervisor! Go!" she hissed.

I ducked into Bella's room almost at regular vampire speed. I hoped that she didn't see that.

I silently flitted to Bella's bedside and took in an amazing sight.

Bella's hair was out from behind her head and flowing gently around her sleeping face. It curled softly over and along her shoulders and glowed in the dim light like a golden-reddish halo around her head. She was beautiful. I picked up her small hand.

"Hello, love," I said, luxuriating in her warmth, her scent.

I studied her face. Her split bottom lip was less swollen, but the large bruise to the side of her face was very dark.

I kissed her face as light as a feather's touch. "That's from Esme."

With my finger, I traced her temple, her ear, her jaw, her chin, and then kissed each place I'd touched, gently, reverently, willing her to awake for me. "Say something, Bella, my Bella," I whispered, but I was met with silence, tempered by the even beat of her heart and the quiet sigh of her breathing.

I listened, watching, waiting…but on she slept.

I brought my face to hers and nuzzled her nose with mine. Oh, how I ached to hold her. I kissed her lovely mouth, so soft, so delicate. I rested my forehead against hers.

"That's from me."

****

I left Bella's side feeling more hopeful than I had earlier in the day. I wanted to thank her nurse for the TLC, but she was busy with the man next door. I sincerely hoped that when Bella left the ICU, the nurses were just as good.

I made my way to the waiting area where Renee and Charlie were camped. Alice was still there, staring blankly at the TV. She grinned at me.

_I didn't know that there was shampoo that you didn't need to rinse out! And it did a pretty good job. Must've been a lot of work._

I smiled. "Yes. Her nurse looks very tired."

"That's because she's expecting a baby."

Really? "I didn't pick up on that." What else have I been missing, I wondered. "I'm sure you've been keeping up on all the latest hospital gossip as well." Alice loved her astute vampire hearing.

"Oh, you wouldn't believe the stuff going on around here Edward. Much more exciting than the hospital in Forks. There's this nurse and this x-ray tech who hook up in a bathroom down in the ER…"

Alice regaled me for hours with smutty news of the hospital staff. Some of it was actually very amusing. The trouble humans got themselves into was laughable. Some of them knew nothing about real pain, or loss, or heartbreak.

****

Alice decided to leave the hospital to go to the hotel and spend some time with Jasper alone. Carlisle was there in his room, reading as usual, and keeping in touch with Esme. Everyone's mood seemed lighter; we were all anticipating seeing Bella wake up and start the recovery process-we would be in limbo no longer. Carlisle itched to assess any residual damage from the vampire venom, though he didn't mention it out loud. Alice was eager to play dress-up, and Jasper couldn't wait for me to be in a better mood.

As for me, I didn't really know how to feel. Of course, I was ecstatic knowing that Bella would awaken in the morning and that I would be able to see her eyes and hear her voice. There were so many things that I wanted to say to her. And I had promised myself that I would see her through to recovery. I wanted to help her, soothe her, do everything I could to make the next few weeks easier on her. She will want for nothing.

But there was also a part of my mind that was afraid of what she'll say to me. Would she recoil from me? Distrust me? Blame me?

She should. That would be the rational way to react.

My mouth twitched. Isabella Swan was not exactly rational.

I decided to get up, go for a drive to kill some time. I left Renee and Charlie snoring peacefully in the waiting room and walked toward the elevators.

I passed the nurses' station on my way out. It was very quiet in the ICU tonight. Nobody going bad, no weeping families. I glanced towards Bella's room, and let her essence take my senses. Mallory, her nurse, was perched right next to Bella's room in the little nook. She was tapping away quietly on the computer. She was a sweet girl. She reminded me of Angela Weber, just a lot shorter. I noticed for the first time a shiny wedding band on her finger…and her heartbeat. Or beats.

In a higher, quicker rhythm was the heartbeat of her baby, the bump barely noticeable under her scrub top. I listened to the two beats, different but same. I was happy for the nurse. But then my mind went there-to where I really didn't want it to go.

As I drove around, I thought about babies. They were cute. And loud. And messy. And impossible for me.

That reality didn't really bother me in the least-until I met Bella. She was all I wanted, and if we were to continue with our relationship, it would need to progress. Provided I could keep her safe.

Would she want marriage? After college, perhaps? I could see us married. I could see myself introducing her to people as Isabella Cullen, my beautiful wife…

She would have the most glorious rings on her finger. Whatever house she wanted, wherever she wanted it, she could have it. Whatever she wanted, I would give it to her.

But what of a baby? That I could not give her. Surely she would want a baby someday. And I-I would love to have one with her. The vision filled me with a longing I never felt before…it was new, pensive; but I could see Bella cradling her middle, rounded with our child. I could see it…

And I wanted it.

But it was not to be. I couldn't even think about making love to Bella…I was just getting the hang of kissing her without wanting to kill her!

I sighed again. The future seems so cloudy right now, regardless of Alice's visions. I decided that I would indeed just take things one day at a time, and concentrate on getting Bella well again, and getting her home. I drove back toward the city, to our hotel, and approached the drive intent on visiting with Carlisle for a time.

It was then that I heard Alice's unspoken cries of despair.

****

I hurried to Alice and Jasper's hotel room and found Jasper, Alice and Carlisle huddled close together on one of the couches. I scanned my family's thoughts. They had decided to watch the tape that James had made. My stomach lurched.

…_can't let him see the tape. It would completely destroy him…_

…_at least she knows now. I'll do all I can to help her…_

They all looked up at me as I walked in. They quickly tried to think of something else, but I caught glimpses of the monster in the tape.

He was kicking her… breaking her leg, a sickening snap… taunting her. Telling her about her 'little friend'. _My God_…Alice.

In just those few moments, my anger went from zero to sixty. My teeth clenched, my muscles twitched with desire to rip someone apart…

Alice looked at me, her expression pure agony. She must have seen the rage on my face because she said, "It's okay, Edward. I'm glad I know now. I'm…alright…" she choked out. _Jasper didn't want us to watch it. But I was too curious not to. I'm glad I did. But Bella…oh, poor Bella… _She dropped her face into her hands.

_We killed him too quickly_, Jasper thought at me. He held Alice closer to him. _I should've gone slower. Made him suffer more. I wish I could go back and do it again and again…_

He closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. He sent a wave of calm to wash over the four of us, but the images- I could not forget.

I left. I ran.

****

I ran into the city, seeing everything, yet seeing nothing. All I really saw was Bella's broken body, the crooked leg, the smirking bastard on the tape. The memory of her blood danced on my tongue as I climbed up the side of the tallest building downtown. Some superhero I was…I may have won against the villain, but only by being a monster myself.

I loved being in high places. Above the world, above the noise of human thought and far, far above temptation. I sat here for a couple of hours, thinking, feeling, reigning in the raging despair and regret. I wished I could have killed him myself. I could imagine the feel of his body crumpling in my hands. But I realized, there in the sky above the city, that if I would've done that, Bella would be dead. Or undead…and if Jasper and Emmett would've taken their time with James, we might not have had enough time to cover our tracks, and get Bella out of there safely. Tactically, we did everything right that night. Bella is alive, and human. James is dead and gone. I had saved her. I was almost too late; but it was over now. The blood I drank from her I would replace with love and devotion; I _will _make her whole again.

****

Friday morning dawned bright and lovely. I could see how Bella adored Phoenix and its weather…it was so gloriously sunny and warm, but not suffocatingly so. People here had color and looked healthy, not pale and pasty like in Forks.

I felt excited. Bella would wake today. Alice said she would awaken at 9:35 in the morning and I was counting down the minutes. I took Carlisle's car before dawn to the hotel and showered and changed. I paced the hospital's halls. I made my way up to the roof and watched the sunrise. My ears were trained on the ICU as always, listening for any signs of distress or evidence of her awakening. The doctors made rounds early, around seven in the morning, and I listened in on the examination. They were pleased with her progress. When they lifted the sheet to examine her leg and foot, Bella stirred a little and moaned. A shock ran through me, of both elation and despair. It was an accurate portrayal of our relationship: joyful stress.

At 8am I made my way to the gift shop and bought the prettiest arrangement of flowers that they had. Freesia, statice, roses and daisies in shades of purple, bright pink and yellow. It smelled wonderful, but not too strong- I remembered that powerful scents could cause nausea.

****

8:59 a.m. I was approaching Bella's room with her flowers in my hands and my heart somewhere around my stomach. I tried to relax. It was silly of me to be nervous.

Renee and Charlie were still out. Of course Alice and I had inside information on Bella's awakening…and Alice did not tell them. I smiled. Bella would awaken to _me_.

Alice flitted over to Bella's bedside and kissed her cheek. "Hi Bella. Wake up!" She stirred a little, but didn't open her eyes. _Maybe I can move things along here…_

I arranged her new flowers on her windowsill.

"Alice. Don't _pester _her awake," I chastised.

She ignored me. "I can't wait for her to be up and around. I can't wait to get her into the pretty gowns I bought for her. These hospital gowns are atrocious."

I couldn't help but laugh.

"We certainly cannot allow Bella to be unfashionable as she convalesces."

"Nope. She's going to be a knockout with a broken leg."

"She already is a knockout with a broken leg."

The minutes crawled by. I daydreamed of the meadow. Her skin. Her hair. Her scent. Her smile.

9:20.

9:25.

9:30.

I took up my place at Bella's bedside, and waited for her to come back to me.

**A/N- OK everyone! Please do me a little favor and review! Just something short and sweet. I'll post the next chapter when I get 20 new reviews! Coming up next is **_**the conversation**_**. Let me know how I'm doing. I crave your input. Thanks for reading!!! REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! - Leigh**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N**- Wow! Thanks for the wonderful response to this story! I appreciate all of the great reviews! It took a long time to get reviews- I got 18 or so and just decided to forget it, I'll post anyway so no one has to keep waiting. And I'm sorry for the long delay in updating- I have been working some serious overtime and have not had much time to write. You will notice that all the quotes in this chapter are taken directly from the text of Twilight. All text is copyright Stephenie Meyer. No infringement intended! I'm just having fun. Please no sue. Kids need braces.

Convalescing-Chapter Eight

9:35.

The rise and fall of her chest sped up, as did her heartbeat; she turned her head slightly and wiggled her shoulders a little.

The familiar crease in her forehead appeared and slowly, slowly, she opened her eyes; the warmth of that sight filled my body and soothed my worried heart. She was finally awake, and stared bewildered at the ceiling, then at the window wall. I waited for her to notice me.

She raised her hand to rip the oxygen tube away from her nose, but I stopped her.

"No, you don't."

"Edward?" She turned her head toward me.

The sound of my name, even in a drowsy shaky voice, still managed to send pulses through my body, to my fingers, to my feet. As she realized I was with her, her face lit up. But then it quickly fell. "Oh Edward, I'm so sorry!" she whispered.

"Shhh…everything's all right now." I didn't want her to be upset.

"What happened?" she asked, her eyes full of wonder.

I stiffened at the memory. _Bleeding, screaming, bitten, broken_…

"I was almost too late. I could have been too late." The memory mocked me. She looked away.

"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."

The spear-point of hate surged upward. I swallowed it back down. "He tricked us all."

"I need to call Charlie, and my mom," she said urgently.

"Alice called them. Renee is here- well, somewhere in the hospital. She's getting something to eat right now." Charlie wasn't still with her.

"She's here?" Her voice picked up some strength in its surprise. She tried to get up, but I pushed her back down on the pillows.

"She'll be back soon," I figured. "And you need to stay still." Her moving worried me. It looked so painful.

She didn't move again, but her eyes went wide. "But what did you tell her? Why did you tell her I'm here?"

Was she thinking that we wouldn't have told her family that she was hurt? She must mean _how_ she was hurt. "You fell down two flights of stairs and out a window…you have to admit, it could happen." I gave her a little smile.

She sighed and stared down at her body, looking at the tubes, the cast. "How bad am I?" she asked softly.

"You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin, and you've lost a lot of blood. They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it- it made you smell all wrong for a while." I wrinkled up my nose at the memory.

She made a face. "That must have been a nice change for you."

"No, I like how you smell."

She changed the subject. "How did you do it?" Her eyes bored into me adoringly, questioningly.

I looked down and picked up her little hand. I didn't know how I did it. Could a monster have a guardian angel whispering in his ear to stop? Not likely. Perhaps it was Bella's. Well, if Bella had a guardian angel, it was doing a lousy job lately.

I sighed. I couldn't look at her. I felt the shame pushing on my chest.

"I'm not sure," I told her. I stared at her bandaged hand. I thought of the wound there, where her blood had flowed out into me, filling me…Pleasure, shame. "It was impossible to stop. Impossible. But I did."

She had tasted so good, so warm and sweet, I had wanted every drop, to consume all of it, all of her. I remembered then the shock of the bitter in the sweet, how it had disrupted the pleasure, brought me back to conscious thought, and I had opened my eyes and saw Bella, my father and Alice, and with a kiss I let her hand go. The monster within me had revolted, enraged at being cheated out of its prize. I quelled the mutiny within me by staring at Bella's face. I did not want to be the kind of monster that James was, the kind that me and my family had worked so hard for so long not to be.

I looked at her then with a smile. "I must love you." She smiled back, and my heart leapt at the sight.

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?" God, she had no idea.

"Even better. Better than I'd imagined."

She surprised me by apologizing. "I'm sorry."

"Of all the things to apologize for."

"What should I apologize for?"

"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever."

"I'm sorry," she said sadly. She looked exhausted, miserable.

"I know why you did it." I tried to soothe her regret. But it bothered me. "It was still irrational, of course. You should have waited for me, you should have told me." I remembered the crushing feeling at the airport when I had realized she was gone…

"You wouldn't have let me go."

Absolutely not. "No, I wouldn't."

She thought for a minute, and her face contorted…was she in pain?

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"What happened to James?" Her voice trembled.

A flash of fiery anger brought the memory back to life. _A pool of blood, shattered glass_…

I took a calming breath. "After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him." I wished I'd had done it myself…slowly, without mercy…

Her brow furrowed. "I didn't see Emmett and Jasper there."

"They had to leave the room. There was a lot of blood."

She looked at me with such love it broke my heart. "But you stayed."

"Yes, I stayed."

"And Alice, and Carlisle…"she said, incredulously.

"They love you, too, you know."

She took that in quietly for a moment, then blurted out anxiously, "Did Alice see the tape?"

"Yes." The images from the tape that my family tried to hide from me were burned into the hard drive of my mind. They popped up instantly, torturing me. It was like a slap in the face, a reminder of what I was and how we got here…the image of James crouched over her ignited a new spark of fury that I had to fight to control.

"She was always in the dark, that's why she didn't remember," she said sadly.

"I know. She understands now." I thought of Alice and the look of agony on her face. I noticed she had left the room right before Bella had awoken. She wanted us to be alone in our reunion. I owed her so much. I felt terrible about the thoughts and questions about her past that she now had, a new kind of suffering.

Bella lifted her hand to try to touch me, but the IV in her hand kept her from moving very far. She looked at her hand in disgust. "Ugh."

"What is it?" I asked, worried. Did the IV hurt? It looked intact.

"Needles," she said in a small voice, and looked up at the ceiling.

Amazing.

"Afraid of a needle. Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An IV, on the other hand…"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Why are you here?" she asked suddenly.

I looked at her lovely, bruised face, trying to decipher what she meant. I felt hurt, and puzzled.

Then I realized what was happening. This was it. The beginning of the end. "Do you want me to leave?" I asked, bracing myself for the answer.

"No!" she said, with panicked authority. "No, I meant, why does my mother think you're here? I need to have my story straight before she gets back."

"Oh." I released the breath I was holding and relaxed, shamelessly rejoicing that she still seemed to want me around. For now.

"I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks. You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with Carlisle and Alice- of course, I was here with parental supervision…but you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and, well, you know the rest." I smiled at her. "You don't need to remember any details though. You have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points."

She thought about that for a little while. Again the crease in her forehead popped up. She looked up at me. "There are a few flaws in that story. Like no broken windows." She frowned a little.

"Not really," I informed her. "Alice had a bit too much fun fabricating evidence. It's all been taken care of very convincingly- you could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to. You have nothing to worry about," I soothed, stroking her cheek. "Your only job now is to heal."

The beeping of her heart monitor skipped around as I touched her. "That's going to be embarrassing," she mumbled.

I laughed, and became curious…

I bent down to kiss her lips and the monitor went wild before I even reached her. When I finally did kiss her, so lightly, the monitor silenced completely.

I drew back quickly and her heart restarted. I sighed in relief. "It seems that I'm going to have to be even more careful with you than usual." If I don't kill her, then her overreactive heart will for sure.

"I was not finished kissing you. Don't make me come over there," she challenged with a pout.

I was more than happy to oblige. Her heart kicked into double-time, as would mine, had it been beating. Her breath was so sweet, her lips so soft…

A familiar voice drifted into my notice. Renee was back and was making her way down the hall. She was talking with the nurse, and she sounded tired. I pulled back. "I think I hear your mother," I smiled.

"Don't leave me," she cried out, terrified. Why was she afraid? I studied her face. It was anxious, pale.

"I won't. I'll take a nap." I walked over to the vinyl covered recliner at the end of Bella's bed, leaned it back, and shut my eyes.

"Don't forget to breathe," she whispered. I stifled a laugh.

The door opened, and Bella whispered "Mom!" with unrestrained emotion. I could tell she was very happy to see her. Renee quietly walked to the bedside.

"He never leaves, does he?" she muttered.

"Mom, I'm so glad to see you!" Her voice shook a little. I smelled the saline of flowing tears.

"Bella, I was so upset!"

"I'm sorry Mom. But everything's fine now. It's okay."

_Oh honey. You are not okay_. "I'm just glad to finally see your eyes open." The bed creaked as Renee sat down on it.

"How long have they been closed?"

"It's Friday, hon, you've been out for a while." _I'm so glad she's up. But she sounds terrible. She looks terrible._

"Friday?" Bella sounded surprised.

"They had to keep you sedated for a while, honey-you have a lot of injuries."

"I know," Bella groaned. So did I, inwardly.

"You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there. He's such a nice man…very young, though. And he looks more like a model than a doctor…"

Renee's thoughts about my father were interrupted. "You met Carlisle?" asked Bella, surprised again.

"And Edward's sister Alice. She's a lovely girl."

"She is."

"You didn't tell me you had such good friends in Forks." _Or a boyfriend. What else are you_ _keeping from me?_ She frowned.

Bella moaned, and I looked at her. Her moaning in pain was like another slap in the face.

"What hurts?" Renee questioned, worried.

"It's fine. I just have to remember not to move." She gave her mother a weak half-smile.

_Oh, Bella. _

"Where's Phil?" Bella wondered aloud. I already knew the answer.

"Florida- oh, Bella! You'll never guess! Just when we were about to leave, the best news!"

"Phil got signed?"

"Yes! How did you guess! The Suns, can you believe it?"

"That's great, Mom." Bella tried to sound excited, but her voice was raspy.

"And you'll like Jacksonville so much…" Renee raced through a description of the new home she and Phil had found. I tensed. It was just what Bella would probably love. Sunshine. The ocean. Renee was talking like Bella returning with her was a done deal.

"Wait, Mom. What are you talking about? I'm not going to Florida. I live in Forks."

Her voice was full of disbelief. I felt a surge of hope that I quickly forced away. This would be better for Bella. To be far, far away from me.

Renee laughed. "But you don't have to anymore, silly. Phil will be able to be around so much more now. We've talked about it a lot, and what I'm going to do is trade off on the away games, half the time with you, half the time with him." Renee sounded happy and satisfied with her plan. _Bella will love Florida, I just know it. _

"Mom… ",Bella paused. I could tell she was thinking it over.

_Go, Bella, go. Go to Florida_, I thought.

"I want to live in Forks." Her answer surprised me. "I'm already settled in at school, I have a couple of girlfriends and Charlie needs me_._ He's just all alone up there, and he can't cook _at all_."

I was torn, torn between rejoicing that she wants to stay in Forks, and shaking her, saying, "Are you out of your mind? Charlie's a grown man. Think of the sun, the warmth, your mother…your life."

"You want to stay in Forks?" Renee was struck with rejection and hurt. _Why? Was she really that sick of me? _"Why?"

Renee patted Bella's forehead_. _"Bella, honey, you hate Forks_." All those kicking and screaming fits and now you want to stay._

"It's not so bad."

I saw my still self lying in the recliner as Renee glanced back and forth between me and Bella. "Is it this boy?" Renee whispered. _Oh, I hope not. _

"He's part of it." _Thought so. A big part. _

Renee was looking at me. I could tell even without access to her thoughts. I could feel her eyes on me.

"So, have you had a chance to talk to Edward?" Bella asked hopefully in a quiet voice.

"Yes." Renee sighed_. He's gorgeous, and kind, and completely in love with you. _"And I want to talk to you about that." Bella's face fell the slightest bit.

"What about?"

"I think that boy is in love with you."

_Yes, I am, _I wanted to shout. _I am hopelessly in love with your beautiful, clumsy, amazing daughter. She makes me feel alive, like I am here for a purpose. She is an angel offered by the angels as proof that there are angels. I have been released from night, from loneliness, all because of her._

Of course, I remained silent. Bella agreed with her mom.

"And how do you feel about him?"

The burning curiosity I felt a couple weeks ago when Jessica was questioning Bella returned in a rush. Bella sighed, and turned away with a frown. Why did she do that? Perhaps a confession with me in the room made her nervous.

"I'm pretty crazy about him."

My heart leapt at the statement, but it quickly fell flat. She would realize that this was all my fault sooner or later. This is what I had wanted, after all.

"Well," Renee started, hesitantly, "He seems very nice, and, my goodness, incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…" _I met your father when I was your age. Please, please, don't make the same mistake… _

"I know that Mom. Don't worry about it. It's just a crush."

A crush? That was all? I didn't believe that. But being human, Bella's feelings could change…she could outgrow me. Humans weren't capable of the deep, soul-changing love that I held for Bella, a love that I knew wouldn't waver or mellow. I felt…hurt. But I understood.

"That's right," Renee agreed. _Oh, Bella. You're only fooling yourself. This is way more than a crush. _Renee looked at the wall clock. _Phil's going to call in a half hour at home. Better go. Maybe I should stay? _

Bella picked up on her indecision. "Do you need to go?" she asked. She sounded so tired.

Renee looked guilty. "Phil's supposed to call in a little while. I didn't know you were going to wake up."

"No problem, Mom. I won't be alone." Her voice perked up.

"I'll be back soon. I've been sleeping here, you know," Renee said proudly.

"Oh, Mom, you don't have to do that. You can sleep at home-I'll never notice." Bella tried to sound perky for her mother's sake. She sounded groggy.

_She sounds so tired. I should go. _"I was too nervous. There's been some crime in the neighborhood and I don't like being there alone."

"Crime?"

"Someone broke into that dance studio around the corner from the house and burned it to the ground-there's nothing left at all! And they even left a stolen car out front. Do you remember when you used to dance there, honey?" _So sweet, so little_…

"I remember." A troubled look came over Bella's face and she shivered.

"I can stay, baby, if you need me_." Maybe I should stay anyway. _

_No, Renee, please go_, I thought shamelessly.

"No. Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will stay with me."

_That's what I'm afraid of_. "I'll be back tonight." She looked at me with speculation. _I want to see what they are like together. _

"I love you, Mom." Bella smiled.

"I love you too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't help but smile at that. Walking _was_ a challenge for her. I remembered her tripping, sending her books flying…

A nurse came in then to check on Bella's IVs, tubes and catheter. I don't think she realized she had one of those in her yet. I certainly would not be the one to inform her.

Her mother kissed her lightly and left. The nurse stayed in the room, looking at Bella's heart monitor readout. She was concerned about the sudden spikes in her heart rate. _She's probably in a lot of pain._

"Are you feeling anxious, honey? Your heart rate got a little high there."

"I'm fine, " Bella replied smoothly.

"I'll tell your RN that you're awake. She'll be in to see you in a minute." With that she left, and I flashed to Bella's bedside.

She looked at me in shock. "You stole a car?" She seemed amused.

"It was a good car, very fast," I grinned.

"How was your nap?"

"Interesting." I stared at her.

"What?"

I was confused. I didn't know how to feel about her choices. "I'm surprised. I thought Florida…and your mother…well, I thought that's what you would want." That's what she _should_ want. I couldn't look at her.

"But you'd be stuck indoors all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out night, just like a real vampire."

I almost laughed. I was a real vampire, no matter where I was. Vampires=danger, no matter their diet. The fact that she was lying broken in this bed was proof.

She needed to go to Florida. And I would not follow, no matter how my heart begged me to. I simply couldn't put her at risk any longer. I loved her too much.

"I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it. Someplace where I couldn't hurt you anymore."

I saw her crushed expression and heard the monitor speed. Her bright eyes darkened and began to shine from developing tears. Her chest was heaving with a restrained sob…my heart sank deep into the core of my body, as I watched her pain unfold before me. I could say nothing.

Another nurse came in then and saw Bella's face. She mistook the source. She offered Bella painkillers, which she refused. I wished she had accepted them, as did the nurse, who sighed and told her to hit the call button when she was ready. The nurse shot me an angry look. _I think it's her boyfriend that's making her upset. This is not the time or place for petty teen love dramas. _

Petty, no. But she was right anyway. She left, and I reached out to hold Bella's face. She looked at me horrified, frantic…I tried to soothe her.

"Shh, Bella, calm down."

"Don't leave me," she pleaded with me, weak, tearful.

"I won't," I promised. "Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."

Her heart was still galloping away at an alarming rate. "Bella," I said gently, stroking her face, "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long as you need me."

And I would be. I will see her to a full recovery. I will help her be whole again. But after that…I would worry about it later.

"Do you swear you won't leave me?" she whispered, desperate. Her heart continued to race along. I could smell her adrenaline, her fear…it hurt me to sense her discomfort, and know that I was the cause of it. I had hurt her again. Would I ever stop?

I held her face in my hands and looked deep in her sad eyes. I couldn't hurt her again. How could I make this work? It was like walking a tightrope…falling to one side and staying with her could kill her. Falling to the other side and leaving her would hurt her deeply. If I stared straight ahead, and stepped forward, the view was black, walking into unknown territory…and I couldn't ignore the dangers of falling.

All I knew, to be perfectly honest with myself, was that I wanted her. Forever.

"I swear," I told her. I held her gaze and tried to calm her. I watched and listened to her fragile body finally relax. Satisfied, I asked if she was better. She said yes. I noted her heart, pacing normal and steady. "If I don't kill you somehow, your heart's overreactions will…" I muttered. She didn't hear me.

"Why did you say that? Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?" Her voice was shaking, broken.

"No, I don't want to be without you Bella, of course not. Be rational. And I have no problem with saving you, either." The sadness of our situation engulfed me. "If it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger…that I'm the reason you're here."

She frowned at me. "Yes you are the reason. The reason I'm here, alive."

I thought of the flatlined monitor, her body still, soundless.

"Barely. Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move."

She was becoming angry. " I wasn't referring to my recent near-death experience. I was thinking of the others- you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I'd be rotting away somewhere in the Forks cemetery."

The memories of that day clouded my mind-I couldn't get them out. _Her blood her leg her hand her cry…_

"That's not the worst part, though. Not seeing you there on the floor, crumpled and broken." I could barely speak. "Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain-all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity …No, the very worst was feeling…knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself."

I closed my eyes and saw her pale bleeding face, smelled her sweet blood, felt its alluring pull.

I opened my eyes, and saw her beaten face. The reality nearly choked me.

"But you didn't," she said gently.

"I could have. So easily."

"Promise me, " Bella whispered.

"What?"

Her anger was building. "You know what."

"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose you'll get your way, whether it kills you or not," I said quickly, annoyed.

"Good." She continued in a voice that was so tired and weak…she was fighting to stay alert. "You told me how you stopped…now I want to know why."

"Why?" I wondered what she meant.

"Why you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you."

I stared at her, disbelieving what I just heard. How did she know? Alice must have told her. She was going to pay for this one…I did not want Bella to know about the finer details of vampire conversions. I didn't want her to get any ideas in that pretty head of hers. Too late now…and I was livid.

She took in my angry face and swallowed. "I'll be the first one to admit that I have no experience with relationships, but it just seems logical- a man and a woman have to be somewhat equal, as in one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."

She didn't understand the effect she had on me, on my entire existence. She had rescued me from limitless loneliness. "You have saved me," I said quietly.

She ignored me. "I can't always be Lois Lane. I want to be Superman, too."

I knew what she was asking. She wanted to be a monster. Did she know what that meant?

"You don't know what you're asking," I said softly, staring at the glowing auburn highlights of her hair fanned on the pillow.

"I think I do."

"Bella, you don't know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure."

"Do you wish that Carlisle didn't save you?"

"No, I don't wish that." I stopped to think.

I was glad he had, or I may never have met Bella. Being given a second chance, even as an undead creature, was a grand gift. But when I was changed, I was a young man, whose parents had just died, and with no siblings. It was easy to leave my human life behind. "But," I continued, "My life was over. I wasn't giving anything up."

She looked down at her hand, then back up at me shyly. "You _are_ my life. You're the only thing that would hurt me to lose."

No. "I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."

She was insistent, but her voice was weak. "Why not? Don't tell me that it's too hard! After today…or I guess it was a few days ago…anyway, after that, it should be nothing."

I couldn't believe she was tempting me to do that again to her. Clearly she did not understand how difficult it was for me to stop…I almost didn't…I almost killed her. I tried another tactic.

"And the pain?"

She winced. I knew she would remember the pain of James' venom infecting her…we both looked at her bandaged hand.

"That's my problem. I can handle it."

Maybe she does have a brain injury, I began to wonder. She was not thinking straight.

"It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity."

"It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal."

I suppressed a growl. So she knew it was three days, and it didn't bother her. What about the loss of her family?

"Charlie? Renee?"

I watched her expression fall, and her brain scramble around for an answer. She tried to speak, but said nothing. I had hit a sore spot…she was not ready to abandon her parents for me. And she shouldn't. She knew it.

"Look, that's not an issue, either," she said in a low voice after a minute. "Renee has always made the choices that work for her. She'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient; he's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."

"Exactly! And I won't end it for you! " I very nearly shouted at her. I was struggling to reign in my anger.

Her heart was racing again. "If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!" She was really upset now.

This conversation was going in a direction I had not intended it to go. I had wanted her to awake to me next to her, and enjoy being together. I had wanted to tell her that I was sorry. That I loved her. I wanted this time together to not be an argument. She needed peace, and rest.

"You're going to recover, " I reminded her.

She stared at me with a dejected, troubled look.

"No, I'm not."

I didn't understand. "Of course you are. You may have a scar or two…"

"You're wrong," she interrupted. "I'm going to die."

Why in the world did she think that? It wrenched my heart. She was healing as expected. There was no heart damage. She thought she was worse off than what she really was. I needed to reassure her.

"Really, Bella," I said nervously, "You'll be out of here in a few days, two weeks at most."

She blinked. "I may not die now, but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get old."

I reluctantly thought about that and closed my eyes.

"That's how it's supposed to happen. How it should happen. How it would've happened if I didn't exist- _and I shouldn't exist."_

She snorted in disgust. I opened my eyes and took in her frustrated expression.

"That's stupid. That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."

"I'm hardly a lottery prize."

"That's right…you're much better," she said softly. Her anger was dissipating, replaced with a warm stubbornness. I rolled my eyes at her. This needed to stop.

"Bella, we're not having this conversation anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night and that's the end of it."

"If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well," she warned me. "You're not the only vampire I know."

I felt a pulse of anger. "Alice wouldn't dare." At least, she had better not.

My tone must've scared her for a moment. Then, she had a look on her face like she had just realized something critical.

"Alice already saw it, didn't she?"

I grimaced at the vision Alice had shared with me.

"That's why the things she says upset you," she continued. "She knows I'm going to be like you someday."

I set my jaw. Not as long as I'm still standing. "She's wrong. She also saw you dead, and that didn't happen, either."

Alice's visions were subject to circumvention-_mine_. I wasn't going to let either one happen.

"You'll never catch me betting against Alice."

We stared at each other for a long time. The room was quiet, save for the machines and the clock on the wall. _Tick, tick, tick… _

I was incredulous at her insistence. She actually wanted to be like me. Granted, it would be easier for us. She would be safe from my darker nature. We could have a physical relationship…

As much as I wanted that, it wasn't worth her beautiful soul. It would be the most abhorrent crime-worse than any that I've ever committed in my vigilante days- to tarnish her soul, and prevent it from reaching its eventual, rightful home. Her beautiful, hopeful soul… I would protect it, hold it above all else.

She spoke first. "So where does that leave us?" she whispered. She was pale, drained.

I tried to laugh. "I believe it's called an impasse."

She sighed, and it looked like it hurt.

"How are you feeling?" I thought about hitting the call button for her.

"I'm fine," she lied.

"I don't believe you," I replied. I knew she was tired and sore. It was written all over her face.

"I'm not going back to sleep." She tried to sound firm; it was quite endearing.

"You need rest. All this arguing isn't good for you."

"So give in," she smiled.

I reached for the call button. "Nice try."

"No!" she protested weakly. I did it anyway.

"Yes?" the nurse answered through the speaker in the wall.

"I think we're ready for more pain medication," I announced.

"I'll send in the nurse."

"I won't take it," she said, her nose tipped up in the air. She sounded like a four-year-old. It was rather adorable. I looked at her IV bag.

"I don't think they're going to ask you to swallow anything."

Her heart rate sped up again. She looked afraid. I sighed loudly.

"Bella, you're in pain. You need to relax so you can heal. Why are you being so difficult? " I softened my voice. "They're not going to put any more needles in you now."

She didn't look at me. "I'm not afraid of the needles. I'm afraid to close my eyes." She looked up at me then, sad, worried, helpless…it was an expression that will haunt me forever.

I knew she was afraid of me leaving her. I tried to relieve her fear- I smiled her favorite crooked smile and took her face gently in my hands. She looked as fragile as she felt in my embrace.

"I told you I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here."

She smiled, and I was relieved to see it. "You're talking about forever, you know."

I couldn't resist using her own words against her. "Oh, you'll get over it-it's just a crush."

"I was shocked when Renee swallowed that one. I know you know better," she said, shaking her head.

"That's the beautiful thing about being human. Things change."

She squinted her eyes at me. "Don't hold your breath."

I laughed, and it felt so good to do so. Her stubbornness was adorable. I loved her fiery personality; even when she was weak, she was strong.

I moved to the other end of the small room when the nurse came in with a syringe of painkillers. She injected it into the IV line. Bella mumbled a half-hearted thank you.

The cloud of sedation began to creep over her quickly. I noticed her shoulders relax, her breathing slow down, and her beautiful eyes begin to close. She needed the rest. We had talked so much, she had been terribly upset…that was the last thing that I had wanted to do, to make her feel worse. She looked exhausted.

The nurse left. I went over and stroked her cheek. She turned her face a little but didn't open her eyes. "Stay," she murmured, sedation slurring her words.

"I will. Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."

"'S not the same thing," she breathed.

I laughed. She was right, of course.

I decided, then and there, while staring at her sleepy face, hearing her breathe, hearing her heart beat, that I would try with everything that I have to _be_ the best thing for her. It would take a miracle.

"Don't worry about that now, Bella. You can argue with me when you wake up." She smiled a tiny bit.

"'Kay."

"I love you," I whispered in her ear.

"Me too." I laughed again. She was so sweet, and I wanted to scoop her up and hold her in my arms. Just _hold_ her.

"I know." She turned her head to kiss me, and I did, softly, wanting more.

"Thanks," she sighed.

"Anytime."

I watched her intently, breathing deeply, taking her essence within me. She loved me, and I loved her. The thought warmed me, soothed me, excited me…

She was insane. Intelligent, beautiful, fiercely loyal, kind-hearted, brave…and insane. What did she see in me that was worth risking her life for? Or, giving up her life for?

My conversation with Esme floated into my mind. I thought of the words, turned them over and over. _You cannot debate her feelings_.

I sighed. Beyond our differences, despite the danger, the basic truth of our lives entwined was undeniable: She loves me, and I love her. It was a force of its own at play, and I prayed that it was strong enough to overcome the odds stacked against us. I wanted to be with her; I needed her with me. I would do all I can to keep her safe and happy…it was my mission, my purpose in this world.

She squirmed in the bed, and it brought me out of my reverie.

She tried to say my name. She mumbled it out. "Ed…ward…"

"Yes?"

"I'm…betting…on…Alice."

And then she succumbed to sleep.

..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................

**A/N-This chapter was a nightmare to write and it took forever. I hope you all liked it! Please take a minute to review! It really does help me update quicker. Thank you for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N**- Thank you for all the great reviews everyone! As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Please no sue. Kids need glasses.

Convalescing- Chapter Nine

The drugs took over Bella's senses, and she stayed asleep. I marveled at how alert and feisty she had been. I mulled over our conversation. I felt bad for upsetting her. That was the last thing she needed.

She moaned every now and again, but did not awaken. I watched her closely through the nurse's eyes. The day shift nurse was strict and somewhat cold, but efficient. She thought I was in the way, and she didn't want me to upset Bella. She was a direct contrast to our favorite nurse at night, whom was off tonight. No midnight visits for me. Alice looked ahead and saw that she would be back Saturday. That was good. Bella needed someone sweet and gentle, like herself.

She slept through the evening visiting hours. Carlisle and Charlie were speaking with the doctor at the desk while Renee and I were at Bella's bedside. The doctor came in to speak with Renee.

Renee stood and nervously shook the doctor's hand. "What do you think, doctor?"

His answer surprised me.

"Well, she's ready to leave the ICU. She's going up to the trauma ward tonight. Most likely, she'll be more awake tomorrow. She needs to start getting up and going to therapy."

Renee looked surprised. "Therapy?"

"Oh yes. Physical therapy. She'll need to learn to move about with crutches. And it will help her regain her strength. She's most likely very weak from the blood loss and for lying in bed for so long."

Renee processed this in her head. She cringed at the thought of her already clutzy daughter hobbling around on crutches. I winced at the mental picture.

"How long do you think she'll be in the hospital?"

"Maybe another week. We'll see how she does. Tomorrow will probably tell us a lot."

She sighed. "Okay. Thanks."

The doctor and my father strode out of the room, and then a couple of orderlies and a nurse came to transport Bella to her new room upstairs on the trauma unit. Renee started to collect her things.

Renee's spoken voice startled me. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

She frowned. "I'm starting to worry about you. You never leave. You never eat."

She was observant. Bella must get it from her.

"Oh, I do. Late at night."

_Hmm. He looks so thin and pale. Super handsome, but pale._

I smiled at her. "I'm okay, Renee. " I sighed. "Just worried about Bella."

"Me too. But she's always been tough. I've never known her to be so impulsive before, though. To just up and leave Forks to come here doesn't make sense to me. It's not like her."

I started to panic a little. What should I say? I decided to be silent. Maybe she would let it go.

"Oh well. She's been through a lot of changes lately." _Maybe Charlie is driving her crazy. Or maybe a serious case of PMS? I should get her to the gynecologist_. She eyed me suspiciously. _Maybe she needs to go on the Pill…_

I drove that last part right out of my head.

"I'll get all of Bella's stuff and meet you up there," Renee said. I offered to help, but she declined. There wasn't much left- Alice had already moved a closet full of new clothes upstairs.

Charlie, Carlisle, and I left the ICU room. We followed Bella out to the elevators and up to the eighth floor.

****

The trauma floor was a busy place. There were people everywhere. The halls were carpeted and brightly lit. There were visitors milling about, therapists, nurses' aides. Call lights were going off. There was noise of a dozen TVs, elevator doors, IV pumps whirring, some beeping.

It was lively, distracting, irritating.

Bella's new room was situated down at the end of the hall, mercifully away from the hub-bub of the nurses' station and elevators. There were two windows in her corner room , and she had her own bath and shower. She would like that.

I glanced at Carlisle with raised eyebrows. _I pulled some strings. Nice room, huh?_

I nodded. It was great, as far as hospital rooms went. It even had a refrigerator.

The noise and motion of moving from place to place awakened Bella and her eyes slowly fluttered open. They searched the room, and I moved to stand next to her bed.

She reached for me with her bandaged hand. "Edward, "she whispered.

"Yes, sweetheart, I'm here." My heart leapt at the sound of her voice, although weak as a newborn kitten. She smiled at me, but her brow was knitted together in pain. "They've moved you to a new room. " She looked around at her new surroundings, but was quiet.

"Hello, Bella," my father greeted her warmly. "How are you feeling?"

She exhaled, and grimaced. "Sore." She swallowed. "And thirsty."

"You can have some ice for now. We need to start you off slowly."

"Ice sounds good," she smiled weakly. Her smile lit up the room, my soul…

Renee came bustling in the room then. With Alice.

"Is she awake? Oh, Bella! Hey honey. How are you feeling? Oh what a great room! So roomy! I talked to Phil, he says hi, of course, he is so worried about you. Have you seen the nurse yet?"…

On and on she went. I looked at Alice and she rolled her eyes at me.

We stepped out, Alice and Jasper and Carlisle and me, to get Bella some ice.

"God almighty. That woman can talk." Alice was rubbing her forehead.

"We ran into her in the hallway," Jasper explained. "Coffee. Way too much coffee."

I stopped one of the nurses, or aides, I didn't know which, and I asked her for a cup of ice chips for Bella. With a sigh she went into the kitchenette and returned with a cup of ice. She thrust it at me without looking at me.

"Uh, thanks."

"Uh huh."

. Wow. I hoped she wouldn't treat Bella like that. She didn't notice Alice's evil stare_. She'd better watch herself ._

As much as Bella wanted to spoon herself up some ice, she just didn't have the oomph to do it. She was so weak, and it seemed that each movement caused her agony, and watching her struggle seared my heart.

Renee spooned her some ice. "Thanks, Mom. That's good." And just like that, she was back asleep. Everyone left for dinner then, except me.

I sat and watched over her. Once in a while her hand would twitch, or she would moan, then, in a tiny whisper, she said my name. "Edward, " she moaned, and moved about a little in her bed. I bent down toward her and kissed her forehead. "I'm here, Bella." But, she continued to be restless. "It hurts," she whimpered. I cringed. I hit the call bell for some pain medicine.

The nurse came in, tall, large, and glared at me. _He is bothering her rest. He needs to go._

"Visiting hours are over in 10 minutes," she said brusquely. She injected Bella's IV with more Dilaudid.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm aware."

She glanced at me before heading out the door. "She needs rest." She turned and left.

So far, the nurses on this floor were terrible. Night shift was starting in a couple of hours. Hopefully, those nurses will be nicer. I smirked. Maybe I need to just-what does Bella call it?-_dazzle _them.

Bella's face relaxed from the grimace she was wearing to a more peaceful expression. I watched and listened to her breathe and listened to her strong, steady heartbeat. I kissed her goodbye on the lips. Her head turned to me a little. "Mmm," she sighed contentedly in her sleep. I left her with a little smile on her face, my heart light.

****

Saturday morning found me sitting on the hospital roof again, watching the sunrise and mulling things over in my head. I reviewed the conversation Bella and I had when she first woke up. Again I chastised myself for upsetting her. I thought of Esme's words, of Alice's…they were right, Bella needed me here, and to be strong. Today would be tough for her. Physical therapists were going to make her get out of bed today and move. It was going to hurt. I swallowed. I vowed not to let her see my stress. I would help her through this, no matter what it took.

Carlisle and Jasper, and Charlie, to my surprise, were returning to Forks today. Carlisle was confident in Bella's progress, Jasper was suffering from the hospital's emotional battleground and Charlie, while hesitant to leave his daughter, needed to return to work. Alice and I took them to the airport.

Charlie stared at me, then spoke to me for the first time in days. "How long you plan on staying here?"

"Until she's ready to come home."

"That could be a while."

"Yes, but Alice and I will watch out for her, and drive her home when they release her."

_I think not_. "You will certainly not drive her home in that bumpy beaten up truck. I'll come get her and we'll fly home."

"I'll drive her truck home, then, and Alice will drive Carlisle's car," I lied. It was important that Charlie thought her truck was here in Phoenix. He certainly didn't know that Alice and Jasper had driven her down here because a murderous vampire was out to get her.

"Er…" he ran his fingers through his hair. "Fine," he stammered.

"I will call you and let you know how she is doing," I offered in my best voice. He softened then.

"Yes. Please do, Edward." He turned toward the terminal gate, then paused a minute.

_I should say something_.

"Edward?"

"Yes, sir?"

He hesitated. "Thank you for coming after her. I can tell that you really care for her. See you… later." He turned away then, and walked to the gate to where Jasper and Carlisle were standing.

I couldn't help but grin at his, albeit reluctant, acceptance. I needed Bella's father to approve of me-it was an old fashioned instinct. "Thank you, sir. Have a good trip home."

I waved goodbye to my family and me and Alice hurried back to the hospital. I was anxious to see Bella.

****

I arrived back at the hospital around 9am. I was glad I didn't have to travel around anymore today; moving about outside trying to dodge the damned ever-present sun was extremely challenging. It was fortunate that both the airport and hospital had parking garages.

I made my way up to the eighth floor to see Bella.

Like earlier, the unit was busy. The smell of blood was thick in the air, and I could sense the humans' fear and pain. People's thoughts were worried, some were desperate…it was a very uncomfortable place for me to be. I walked down to the end of the hall to Bella's room. Her door was closed and I listened to what was going on before I knocked.

"Ok Bella. You're going to rise up, put your weight on your good leg, and pivot over to the wheelchair. Ok? Put your hands here…push off the bed…reach for the chair…sit down."

"I am going to fall," Bella whimpered. I wanted to go to her.

The therapist sounded kind and confident. "No. We've got you. We won't let you fall. Are you ready?"

"Uh huh." Bella, however, sounded completely terrified.

"1,2,3…and up…and over. Good!" Bella had heaved herself off of her bed and pivoted to the wheelchair and sat in it. On one leg. Without tripping and breaking her neck. I was proud of her. But then I saw her face through the therapist's eyes. Her brow was knitted together, her heart was banging against her chest, and her jaw was set tight.

"Ugh," she groaned. "That really hurt." I felt instantly awful. And this was only the beginning.

"Let's rest here for a minute, hon."

Bella looked up shyly at the therapist. "I, um, need to use the bathroom."

"Okay." The therapists wheeled Bella over to her bathroom and I skipped out of their minds to give her privacy. But, I could still hear her cry out in pain when she got up again.

I stared at the carpet fibers on the floor. She must be so sore. And she must be so embarrassed.

Guilt once again found me, crushed me.

After a few minutes the therapists helped Bella out of the bathroom, wheeled her over to a recliner chair, and helped her into it. They propped up her leg, covered her with a blanket, and put her bedside table and call light near her. "Are you comfortable?" they asked her.

"It's better than the bed." She smiled her beautiful smile, but there was an edge of pain to it.

"We'll be back later today Bella, after lunch. You did awesome getting up."

"Thank you," she said weakly.

I decided to make my entrance then. I knocked on and opened the door.

"Bella?" I ducked my head in. Her huge welcoming grin thrilled me.

"Edward!"

I made my way into her room. "Hello," I said to the stunned therapy staff.

_Wow._

_So_ _this is the famous super sexy boyfriend_. Famous?

"How are we doing today?" I asked Bella.

"Better. Now that you're here." Smile.

"It's nice to see you up in a chair."

"Yeah. I was thinking I was becoming part of the bed. They got me up to the bathroom. That was good." Another smile. I couldn't get enough of them!

But she looked exhausted. Lovely, but worn out.

The therapist blinked and finally found her voice. "She did very good getting up for the first time. We'll be back later, Bella." She was looking at me, however. _I hope you're still here, too_.

The therapists left with lusty thoughts about me in their heads. I ignored them, and gazed at Bella.

Her cut bottom lip was just about healed now. The bruise on her face was yellowing. Her hair was pulled up in a loose ponytail. And that ridiculous blue and white plaid hospital gown- well, she even made that look good, with the way it clung to her delicate shape. I tore my eyes away from that shape. _Be good_, I chanted to myself.

I was just about to give her a compliment when her whirlwind mother and my sister came into the room.

"Oh, sweetheart, look at you, up and out of bed! Are you sore? I'll bet your butt is kinda sore. Did you eat? Has the doctor seen you? When did you wake up?" Renee's energy was amazing. She really was like a little kid.

_Oh, and here's Edward, of course. How long's he been here?_

"How long have you been here, Edward?"

"Since about nine or so," I said lightly.

Her thoughts returned back to Bella. "Oh! They took your catheter out! So you're peeing okay, hon?"

I had never seen Bella's face turn so red before. Ever.

"They took it out last night. It was a…long night." She closed her eyes, uncomfortable.

I was glad that I had agreed to go hunting with Alice last night. She had insisted that we go. Perhaps so I couldn't witness Bella's embarrassment over catheters, and bedpans? I sighed. That _would _be embarrassing.

Alice was unusually quiet.

_I can't get a word in edgewise with her_. She smiled. _But she's going to go home in a little bit, and then return to Florida for a couple days. Something about Phil hurting his shoulder._

I saw in Alice's mind Renee returning to the hospital and watching Bella walking with crutches. She would be back soon before Bella's discharge. I sighed with guilty relief. As much as I liked Renee- and I did, even though I barely knew her- it would be a welcome thing to have her away from here. Bella loved being with her mother, but it seemed that all her questions made Bella weary and uneasy.

And I, to be honest, wanted Bella all to myself.

Which was wrong, of course. I had no right to her. Her injuries were proof positive that my presence in her life was malignant. I shook away the thought of leaving. We needed each other, and I had promised to stay.

Renee finished interrogating Bella and announced that she was going home, and would return in the morning. She kissed Bella on the cheek. "I love you, honey."

"Love you too, Mom," she said with a tired smile.

When she was gone, Bella sighed. "She exhausts me!"

Alice and I both laughed.

"You _look _exhausted…and tense. I've got just the thing," Alice said, excited.

Bella eyed her warily.

"You need to be relaxed and beautified!" She pulled out of her tote bag a hairbrush, manicure kit and hand lotion.

"Oh, Alice, you don't need to…" Bella started to protest.

"Shh and relax."

Alice took the hairbrush and stood behind Bella. Gently, she took down her long thick ponytail and began to run the brush through it, carefully avoiding the sutures in the back.

"Mmm. That does feel nice." She closed her eyes and her shoulders relaxed from their tension.

Alice fashioned Bella's tresses into a loose French braid and secured the end with a pretty yellow grosgrain ribbon.

She then sat down next to her, and with vampire speed filed and painted her fingernails a pretty subtle pink.

When she was done, she moved down to Bella's feet.

Bella had the absolute cutest, prettiest little feet. They were maybe a size 6? So tiny.

She filed and painted Bella's toes, which tickled her, and she giggled. It was the best sound in the world.

When Alice was done, she smiled to herself, satisfied. "There. Perfect."

"Wow, thanks, Alice. It looks like I had it done at a fancy salon or something," Bella mused, wiggling her now shiny toes.

"Years and years of practice," Alice winked. "Hey, brother. You do the honors?" She tossed the bottle of lotion at me.

"Love to."

Bella stared at me as I sank to kneel on the floor and took her delicate hand in mine and began to caress it with the lotion, softly, slowly.

Her mouth fell open as she watched me. "Mmm," she moaned, and closed her eyes as I worked my way up her wrist and arm.

Her moaning at my touch was…_tantalizing._

I stopped and picked up her other hand, working on her fingers, avoiding bandages.

"Hmmm…thank you…Edward…"

Her breathing slowed and she was fast, fast asleep, looking the most relaxed since she's been here at the hospital. Her face was free from worry and pain, her brow smooth. Even a little smile played on her mouth.

Alice and I gave each other a high-five and watched over Bella as she rested, untroubled.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

**A/N**- Please review! Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N**- Thanks to everyone for reading and for all of the wonderful reviews! As always, Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Please no sue. Kids need Tae Kwon Do sparring gear.

Convalescing- Chapter Ten

Bella roused in time for lunch, but quickly turned her nose up at it. Apparently the hospital diet didn't appetize her much.

I tried to encourage her to eat.

"Eat, love," I smiled at her, and pushed the little bowl of soup toward her.

"Ugh. No thank you. It smells."

I sighed. What did she want? Was she in pain? And just not wanted to tell me?

I remembered thinking that maybe the "glitch" in her brain that prevented me from hearing her would be fixed by her head injury. No such luck. She remained just as silent as ever.

"Bella. _Please_ tell me how you're feeling . Are you hungry at all? Are you in pain? Is there something else you want to eat? I'll get you anything you want."

I'd run across the country, back to Forks, to her favorite sandwich shop…I'd run to a grocery store and somehow whip her up a five-course meal. I would do anything for her. She needed to eat. She was so thin. She had lost weight.

"Bella, a meatball sub will not do you any favors, I'm afraid. I can see it," Alice warned.

Bella frowned. "You know, I'd really like…" she hesitated, and looked up at me with this pitiful face.

Alice smiled.

"What?"

"A strawberry banana smoothie."

I laughed. "Okay. Strawberry banana smoothie it is."

I planted a big kiss on her forehead and darted off to find her a smoothie.

****

Bella enjoyed her smoothie and finished it off in short order. I was happy that she had something in her stomach that she enjoyed.

When she was done, the therapists were back to do more therapy.

They helped Bella out of the recliner and into a standing position. As they supported her upright, Bella's forehead knit together, and I heard her heart accelerate. I flinched at the sight of her in pain. It seemed like it was her broken ribs that hurt her more than anything.

She was shaking from head to toe, and even her teeth seemed to chatter.

"Wow, I'm so c-cold," she shook.

Alice jumped up and got out a lavender cashmere robe that she had just bought for Bella, and helped her into it.

"This is for me?" She looked a little uncomfortable accepting the gift, but she must've liked it. "It's so soft, and warm," she smiled. "Thank you." She continued to shake a few minutes longer.

_God. She is so weak. She can hardly bear her own weight._

I cringed at the therapist's assessment. _We have a lot of work to do to get her strength up. _

Bella's knees started to buckle, and my body tensed to catch her. The therapist was doing a good job holding her up, however. I watched anxiously.

"Okay, Bella, let's pivot to the wheelchair and have a seat. We're going downstairs to the gym."

What little color Bella had completely drained away. A look of panic crossed her face and she glanced at me. I laughed inwardly at the terror just the _word_ 'gym' provoked in her.

"The gym?"

"Yep. We're going to show you some exercises to strengthen you up. And we need to size you for crutches." Her blond ponytail swung around as she spoke.

"If you give me crutches I will break my other leg for sure."

"Good thing you're at a hospital, then," I said. "You'll be alright, Bella."

"We won't let you fall," the blond therapist added.

Bella groaned and chewed on her bottom lip.

We travelled down to the basement of the hospital where the therapy department was. It was a large room with lots of complicated and painful looking equipment. Bella was the youngest patient there. The rest of them were elderly people with broken hips, replaced knees, and the like.

I glanced at Bella, sitting tensely in her wheelchair, and wondered that she was thinking. She looked like she was going to pass out. The therapist went to get some paperwork, so I walked up to Bella and squatted down in front of her. I gave her the favorite crooked smile.

"Try to relax. It really will be okay. When it gets to be too much, they'll stop."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'll be alright. I'm just a little nervous, that's all… I mean, I can barely exercise without concussing myself or chipping a tooth when I'm healthy, yet alone when I'm…I'm…" She fumbled for the words. "Already messed up."

I could only imagine how she must be feeling right now. Physical ability was natural for me, something I never had to think about. Bella's clumsiness, even though it was endearing to me, embarrassed her greatly. Now she was having to perform for an audience. I ached for her.

"Oh, Bella. Nothing is going to happen to you here. You're not doing this on your own, you know- the therapists are here…I'm here…There's no reason to be worried."

She thought for a moment. "I'm not really worried, I guess. I'm…afraid," she said sadly.

"What are you afraid of?"

I took her hand in mine. She was looking down dejectedly. I tipped her chin up so I could see her face…I noticed her bruise was almost completely healed. She didn't look at me. I cupped her cheek with my hand. "Tell me what you're afraid of."

Silence.

"Please, Bella. I want to help."

She took in a deep breath. "I'm afraid I will fall, and have to stay here even longer," she said in a trembly whisper.

I rested my forehead against hers. "I will never let you fall, baby," I whispered. "I will catch you." I kissed her cheek, her lips.

"I will catch you."

****

For an hour, Bella hobbled, hopped, and stumbled around. She practiced getting in and out of a chair (hard), in and out of a shower (harder), and up and down three steps (hardest). I was right behind her with every step she took, carefully staying out of the therapists' way. They didn't mind my presence.

In fact, they were thrilled that I was there. The thoughts they had about me were a little…nauseating.

Bella, even though she was clearly uncomfortable, never complained through the whole ordeal. She had a determined look on her face, and worked herself very hard, until she was thoroughly wiped out and very, very sore.

Bella's shoulders hurt from the exercises, so they lay her down on one of the therapy beds and put warm towels on them for a while. After that, they were done for the day, and they brought her upstairs to her room, helped her to the bathroom, and put her to bed. I placed her casted leg on a pillow and tucked the blankets around her, and when I bent over to steal a quick kiss, she was already out cold.

I kissed her anyway.

She must want to go home bad if she pushed herself that hard, to the point of muscle failure. She was going to be sore from all of this activity tomorrow. It was like she was trying to prove something to herself, prove that she was strong. But I already knew she was strong…in fact, she was the strongest person I've ever known, and it had nothing to do with muscles, but her spirit, her soul.

I watched her rest, calmly and deeply, and let my thoughts return myself to the meadow, to her room, to her arms.

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**This chapter is for my husband, Jason, who has caught me very time I've fallen…I love you.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N-** Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Please no sue. Kids need new summer clothes. And shoes. And swimsuits. (So does their mother.)

Convalescing- Chapter Eleven

The next couple of days continued liked that. Alice would come in the morning to help Bella wash up and dress. At first, Bella was very uneasy and shy, particularly when Alice came at her with designer pajamas and gowns and robes to wear. It became very clear that Bella had a hard time accepting gifts, and she certainly did not enjoy being doted on. I remembered that she was usually in the caretaker's role. But she learned that it was futile to resist Alice, and she quietly accepted what she brought, eyes usually wide.

Bella was making exceptional progress. She was eating a little more each day. When she scrunched up her nose at her tray, I would ask her what she would like and then go get it. Sometimes it was pizza, or tacos, or fried chicken…or a smoothie. She really liked those. I could deny her nothing.

She had therapy twice a day and they worked her out hard. They worked to increase her arm and her chest muscles so she was strong enough to maneuver herself in her crutches. They practiced going up and down steps and getting in and out of a shower a lot, then outside to practice getting in and out of a car. She did leg lifts, arm curls, overhead presses. She worked with dumbbells and elastic bands. They had her sit on a large therapy ball to help with her balance. A massage therapist came in at the end of the day's session to work out the knots in her shoulders and back. Alice and I stayed in the gym with a close eye on her, marveling at how hard she was working. She went without complaining every day, and came back sore, tired, and usually very hungry.

After three days, I noticed she didn't seem to need the pain meds as often, and didn't seem quite so wiped out afterwards. I could tell she was very anxious to get out of the hospital and get home.

I managed to convince the staff to allow me to spend the night in Bella's room with her. I hated having to leave her at night. They seemed more than happy to accommodate me. Dazzling had it's rewards. They didn't care if Alice stayed, either. We were careful not to be a nuisance in any way.

Bella's mother was in Florida. Apparently Phil had hurt his shoulder like Alice had predicted. She would be back in a couple of days. She called Bella often throughout the day, and Bella soothed her mother's troubles over the phone. Apparently Renee felt horribly guilty over not being at the hospital with her injured daughter- but in actuality, it was a relief to not have her hovering and worrying.

I spent every minute I could with Bella, day and night, and so did Alice, and I got to watch their friendship bloom. They actually had a lot in common- they liked the same kind of books (period romances, classics,) liked the same kind of music (eclectic, but no rap or heavy metal,) and shared the same opinions on a wide range of topics, from classroom gossip (Lauren is nasty and flirts with her teachers for good grades. _And it's so obvious. Skank_.) to current events (School violence could totally be prevented if more vampires went vegetarian and enrolled in school. _Hey, yeah_, _they could take out all the bullies! _) to who is hot ("_Ben Barnes_," " Brad Pitt," " _Robert Pattinson _," "Charles Bellamy," "…_Wait..who is that?" _"Oh, he's been dead for decades. But he was _wicked _hot!")

They would play cards together. Alice would get extremely frustrated, because she lost frequently at the games Bella taught her that relied on chance. Bella was amused at the fact that she could beat one of us at something. Bella was actually really good at board games, especially against me- since I couldn't read her mind, we were evenly matched. And she was a fantastic speller. She consistently beat me at Scrabble. Which was incredibly frustrating. But when she did, she would smile from ear to ear, and it was amazing.

Her face was close to normal now. It was a little thinner maybe, but the swelling was gone and the bruising all but faded completely away. Alice kept Bella's hair and nails salon perfect. I would revel in the sight of her, her long hair glowing, framing her lovely face. She would catch me staring frequently, and then tease me with a shy blush.

She tortured me with weak smiles as she got up to work with therapy. She would grin when the phlebotomist would come in every morning with a needle to draw her blood. My heart would break open a little more when I felt her embarrassment with needing help with her human minutes; and yet, she would smile through all of it.

I was in awe of her.

But, she was a terrible actress. To me, anyway. I knew what the sight of needles did to her. I could tell when she was in pain- her brow scrunched up, her face paled, her heart sped. And I knew what she was doing- she was trying to hide how she was feeling around me, so the guilt that was probably palpable in the air-the guilt that rolled off my body whenever she was uncomfortable- would not surface.

As much as her intentions warmed my heart, how she really felt screamed at me even louder. The guilt, the remorse, lingered in the back of my brain, ready to attack me at her lightest twinge of pain, a sniper in my own mind.

I contemplated all of this on her eighth night in the hospital. For the past few days, I had felt so hopeful and lighthearted- my Bella was recovering, and seemed in good spirits. But all that came to a skidding halt.

Bella came back from therapy especially sore. She actually asked the nurse for pain meds herself. She was restless, and refused to eat. She wouldn't say much, and I could hear her stomach growl. She stared off into space. Her heart was thumping irregularly and rapidly…and then she was sick.

Alice helped her back and forth from the sink to rinse her mouth and brush her teeth. She was pale white, and had a dewy sheen of sweat on her forehead. I called for the nurse, and was surprised when Mallory from the ICU came in.

"Hi guys. You're stuck with me tonight. They pulled me up here to work since our census downstairs is so low and they had a call-off here. How are you Bell- hmmm…"

She stopped and looked at Bella carefully_. She looks green_!

She took Bella's vitals, which were elevated. She brought over a cool rag and gently sponged off Bella's face. "Don't get sick now, Bella. I hear you're going home soon."

I raised my eyebrows at Alice. _Actually, I see her flying home Saturday. Or I did_. She had a worried look on her face. We all couldn't wait to go home.

Mallory stayed with us a little while until the nausea passed. She chalked it up to overexertion and pain meds on an empty stomach. She left and came back with crackers and ice chips. And a white plastic package. Bella eyed it furtively.

"Guess what?" Mallory asked brightly.

A little smile. "What?"

"I need to take out the stitches in your head. I promise it won't hurt. And then you can take a proper shower after, which might make you feel a little better. Are you up for it?"

"Yeah, I think so." She thought a minute. " Actually, I can't wait to have them out. They itch."

"Let's do it then." She lowered the head of the bed and had Bella lie on her side. She parted Bella's tresses carefully, opened the suture removal kit, took out the tweezers and scissors and started clipping.

44 clips later, Mallory washed the site and looked at it closely. "It's healed up real nice, Bella. How do you feel?"

"I'm okay." She ran her hand up to the wound and explored the area with her fingers. "I'm glad they're out." A smile. "I'm ready to crash now," she yawned. She looked at Mallory, then at me. "Do you know each other?" she asked, confused.

"I was your nurse in the ICU, Bella. You don't remember me. But that's okay. It's so nice to see you awake and I hear you're doing really well in therapy."

"Thanks. Everyone is so nice here." She smiled a tired smile.

Mallory left after making sure Bella didn't need anything. She took the sound of two heartbeats with her. Bella noticed she was pregnant, and she and Alice were guessing how far along she was.

After a couple minutes, Bella drifted off to sleep. I chuckled at her soft snores.

As I watched over her, and Alice read a book, the side of me that wouldn't allow me to be content surfaced, and the depressing thoughts came rapid-fire, but I fought them back.

I replaced them with my favorite fantasies, and thought of home.

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**A/N**- Ok, everyone. I've been off work for three days and I go back to work tonight and tomorrow. I work 7pm-7am and then sleep all day. You night shifters know how it is. : ) Anyway, I won't be updating again until Saturday. Brace yourselves for a plot twist. (Yay! Let's get some plot going in this thing!) Thank you all for reading. Will you please take a minute to review?


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N-** It's Saturday!! Thank you for all the amazing reviews; they mean so much. Oh, to clarify: Bella is _not _pregnant. She's just ill. As always, Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer. Please no sue. Remember that roof my kids need? Yeah, it needs replacing.

Convalescing- Chapter Twelve

Bella slept fitfully. She squirmed in the bed and whimpered a few times. She woke up around midnight and asked for more pain medication, which surprised me. I felt awful that she was in that much pain. She threw up again, and I was grateful that Alice was with me to help with Bella's human minutes. She looked miserable.

Mallory came in and gave Bella a pill for the nausea. She warned her that it might make her feel dizzy and very sleepy. The medication hit her hard soon after.

"The…room…is…spinning," she groaned. She sat up in the bed and shut her eyes. She was holding on to the bed rails. I rubbed her back. After a couple of minutes, she settled back down in the bed and tried to get comfortable.

I put my head next to hers on her pillow and hummed her lullaby. Eventually, she fell asleep.

Alice decided to go back to the hotel. She was blocking her thoughts from me. I hated it when she did that. What was she up to now?

"You're in for an interesting night, Edward," Alice said. "But it will all work out," she sighed.

I wondered what she meant by that.

I settled into the couch-bed that a nurse had made up for me a few nights ago. I still had a role to play. I tried to relax and flipped through the TV channels. There was nothing on that interested me. I turned it off and watched Bella sleep, watched her chest rise and fall…

I had to tear my eyes away from her delicate curves, sheathed in a thin pink cotton gown. I wanted to hold those curves close to me, like that night in Bella's bed…desperately. I forced the thoughts from my head. I had no right to think that away about her, especially when she was here in a hospital, sick and broken…I was no better than Mike Newton.

I was working on trying to think about something else when the sleep-talking started.

Usually when painkillers were swirling about in her system, she slept deeply and did not speak. Tonight, the restlessness was evident in her body and in her mind. She started to moan in what sounded like pain, and her head whipped from side to side on the pillow. "Stop, stop, please stop….no…Edward…"

She was having a nightmare. I flew to her bedside.

She started to thrash around the bed a little, her arms flailed out, then came close to her head defensively. "Stop, don't, please…don't do this…no, no…stop…don't touch…"

She was practically shouting now. I tried to gently shake her awake, get her away from the monster haunting her. "Bella, Bella, love, wake up, it's alright, come on, wake up. Bella!"

My hands were on her shoulders, her back was arched towards me…I slid one arm under the small of her back to try to scoop her up to hold her upright. The scent of her fear, her adrenaline, hit me like a brick wall. She was thrashing wildly now, her arms flaying about…"No…no…stop…Edward…don't…"

God, what was she dreaming that I was doing to her? "Wake up, Bella, please," I shook her. Her hands were wrapped into little fists, and she started to swing at me…she connected once, but I barely registered the sensation. She seemed half-awake now, still trying to hit me…she slapped me, pulled my hair…"Stop…no no…" I tried to restrain her hands so she wouldn't injure herself. She was hard to get a hold of, and I didn't want to hurt her. "Bella, Bella, it's me," I said as loud as I dared. Her eyes were still shut, but her face was wild. I brought my face to hers. "Shh, shh, wake up, wake up, Bella."

I kissed her cheek. Bad idea.

She brought her hands to my face and pushed with all her might, screaming, "No!" She rolled over quickly and I let her out of my embrace. "Bella?"

I watched in horror as she sat up and scrambled out of bed, forgetting about her bad leg; she pitched forward and caught herself on the reclining chair. She cried out in pain. She was awake now, holding on to the chair, and righted herself. Shaking in fear, she regarded me, out of breath and wild-eyed.

I was frozen in place. I needed to go to her, but I didn't want to frighten her further. I especially didn't want her to fall.

I didn't know what to do. I tried to soothe her.

"Bella, love, it's alright, it was just a dream. It's over now, it's over, you're safe." I started to approach her.

" D-don't touch me. Stay away from me," she said, breathless, terrified.

It felt like my dead heart broke into a thousand pieces at her rejection. She stood there shaking in the darkness, leaning on the recliner chair, looking at me with such tremendous fear…I scrambled for something to say. Anything.

"Bella, it's me, Edward. It was just a dream. I won't hurt you." I took a step toward her and she recoiled, letting out a weak scream.

Then, a column of light split into the darkness of the room.

****

"What's going on in here?!"

The male nurse took in our positions in the room as he walked in. _What is he doing to her?_

"Miss Swan, are you alright? Miss Swan?" _She looks scared to death…what happened?_

Bella couldn't speak, or didn't want to. She was still trembling in fear. It killed me to watch her suffer like that. What was she thinking? She looked at the tall, brawny nurse, unsure, and opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

"She was having a nightmare, and I startled her awake," I tried to explain.

He looked at me_. Bullshit. Whatever_.

He spoke softly to Bella. "Let's get you back to bed, sweetie." He put his arm under hers, and snaked a hand around her waist, and helped her hobble over to the bed. She sat down, and he held her leg while she pulled herself into the bed. She pushed herself up in the bed with her good leg. Her nightgown slid up her thigh, exposing her soft skin, and it didn't escape the nurse's notice. Or mine. The nurse took his time arranging the blankets around her.

It was torture to watch him handle Bella and call her sweetie. His thoughts became sexual in nature when he saw her shapely leg. To his credit, he immediately began to think about his wife at home. He was lucky he did, because I was about to rip his head off.

He took Bella's vitals and noticed her heart rate was through the roof. "You really need to relax." She said nothing.

He turned to me, squinty-eyed. "You need to leave. Now."

I stood my ground. I didn't trust him alone with her. "I'm supposed to stay with her."

"Do I need to call security?"

Bring it. I was more than ready. But I looked at Bella, at her shaking shape, and thought better.

I approached her bed. I took her hand in mine and stroked her cheek. She flinched, and she didn't look at me.

I needed to see her eyes. I needed to know, to see, that she wanted me, that she wasn't afraid of me. I tipped her chin up. "I'll go, so you can rest." She nodded, her eyes sad, sparkling with tears.

"I love you."

Again, she only nodded, and it pain it caused was smothering. Why wouldn't she say anything? I wanted to hold her, soothe her, help her, but I was being kicked out, and she didn't seem to want me, either.

I left her room, bewildered, worried, the ice of her rejection throbbing in my chest.

****

I made my way downstairs and collapsed onto a couch in the deserted lobby. I heard the frame crack from the force. I didn't care.

I monitored the nurse. He asked Bella if I had hurt her in any way, and she shook her head no. He asked if she was sure, and she said yes firmly. I was glad to hear it. For a minute, I was scared that she was rendered mute from shock. He left her then, and went to get Mallory.

"Mal, I don't like that boyfriend of hers. He's creepy, and it looks like he tried to attack her. I kicked him out and I don't want him back. I swear, I'll kick his ass myself."

She rolled her eyes at him. "Brad, that's ridiculous. He's a nice guy- he wouldn't hurt her. You watch too much of that stupid wrestling." She knocked on Bella's door and let herself in.

"Hey, Bella. What's going on? Are you feeling bad?"

Bella's voice was small, and it had an uncharacteristic edge of anger in it. "I had the worst nightmare in my life. I think it was that medicine. I don't want it anymore."

"Are you still sick to your stomach?"

"No."

"Need anything?"

"Sleep." She closed her eyes.

"Do you want me to stay with you a little bit?" _You look so scared._

"I really just want to be by myself, if that's ok," she mumbled.

"Sure. Hit the button if you need me."

"Thanks." Her voice was lifeless.

Mallory turned to leave the room, and when she reached to close the door, she took one last look at Bella. Her head was in her hands, and she was sobbing quietly. I couldn't stand it.

I left the hospital, into the cool night.

****

I found myself running again. I considered that as I flew over the ground, taking long strides. I loved to run; it was soothing; it was a way to escape. No one could catch me, and I could truly be alone in my head.

And there, alone in my head, I could truly think. I thought about what just happened in Bella's hospital room. She had had a horrible nightmare, and she had cried out my name. I wondered what had happened in her dream that could get her so upset that she could barely speak, and couldn't even look at me. It was over, she was safe… didn't she realize that?

All I knew was that she didn't want me there. The nurse kicked me out of the room and she didn't stop him. She didn't look at me. She told me to stay away, and that had hurt me beyond measure. I needed to talk to Alice. I turned back toward town, and sprinted toward the hotel.

****

Alice opened her door before I reached it. "Calm down, Edward."

"Easier said than done, Alice."

"I know, but it's going to be okay. I see it."

I sat down on the bed. I didn't know what was happening. She didn't want me, and the pain rocked the very core of my body. Then, I slowly started to understand.

This is what I had wanted. What I knew would happen eventually. But things had been going so well, and I was unprepared for it.

It was time for me to leave her in peace.

"No, Edward. Don't go anywhere," Alice said flatly. "I think she just needs some time to herself to work through some things."

I could only imagine what she had been dreaming about. I think about those same things, myself. If they torment me, what must they do to her? The guilt reared its ugly head and bit down on me, consuming me.

****

Alice went to the hospital in the morning without me. I hung back at the hotel, miserable. I had spent the rest of the night sitting on the bed in Alice's hotel room. I didn't talk. Carlisle had called, and Esme, but I didn't want to talk to them. I had nothing to say. My thoughts made no sense, my feelings were stripped raw. Alice convinced me to stay in Phoenix. She would spend the day with Bella, and sort things out.

I monitored Bella through Alice.

When Alice arrived at Bella's room bright and early, there was an occupational therapist there, helping Bella get dressed for the day. Alice frowned at the choice of outfit. _I'll fix that_.

Bella had dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was a glorious mess. She combed at it distractedly with her fingers. The therapist said shat she did pretty good, and that it was time go downstairs for physical therapy. Bella was staring straight ahead, and shocked me by saying, "No. I'll go this afternoon. I don't feel up to it right now." Alice stared at her, eyebrows raised.

The therapist sighed. "Okay. I'll let them know downstairs. Feel better, Bella," she called out as she left.

Alice appraised Bella and apparently didn't like what she saw. She smartly didn't mention it. She sat down on Bella's bed next to her, and draped an arm around her shoulders.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"Where's Edward?" she asked instead of answering. I sat up straight at the sound of my name.

"At the hotel."

"Why?" Her voice sounded low, like she already knew the answer.

Alice hesitated. _I hope I get this right_. "Well, after last night, he…thought you needed some space. You seemed very upset at him."

Bella closed her eyes. Her posture was tense and her voice sounded far away. "I had a horrible dream. It felt so real…and I woke up, and he was practically on top of me, and he kissed me…and he was cold like James, and…I freaked out. It was too much. I needed him to... get away from me." She shuddered, and her lip started to tremble.

"Bella. What was your dream about?" Alice asked gently.

Silence.

"You can tell me…you can tell me anything, Bella."

"I can't. I know he's listening in."

"Nope, he's too far away," Alice lied smoothly. "Tell me."

She hesitated, and then I saw tears sliding down her cheeks. She sniffed, and then took a deep breath. I could tell she didn't want to talk about it.

"I was at the dance studio with James and he…did other things to me…" She gulped, " Edward didn't come, he didn't come…" She covered her face with her hands.

The pain of her dream, and the visuals it conjured, almost dropped me to the floor.

She was crying harder now, and Alice wrapped her in an embrace, rocking her gently.

She asked the question that was burning my mind, my tongue. "Bella. _Did_ James hurt you…like that?" _Did I miss something in that tape? Or maybe he didn't film it?_

"No." Thank God, thank God, thank God…

Alice sighed in relief, and smoothed Bella's damp hair away from her face.

"It was just a dream…a horrible one, for sure, but not real. James is dead. He will never hurt you again." She paused. "No wonder you wouldn't let Edward near you last night."

"He scared me to death. I know he didn't mean to, but…"

"Edward would never hurt you, Bella. He loves you more than you can possibly imagine," Alice interrupted. "He wants to see you…"

"No!" she shouted. "No. I can't. I feel ... no. Not now. Please," she pleaded.

She didn't want to see me? The weight of her words bore down on my chest, devastating me.

Alice continued to hold her and stroke her hair. "Shhh. It's okay."

_I think she doesn't want you to see her this upset._

I wasn't so sure about that. To me, it felt like the fear she should have had all along- the self preservation she seemed to lack- was finally surfacing. It was like her subconscious mind, through her dream, was finally telling her what she needed to know- that I wasn't right for her. I could see how this would progress. I was sure that her fear most likely wouldn't relent. I had frightened her terribly, and I had a distinct feeling that things would not be the same between us.

I stared numbly at the floor. All I wanted to do, right now, was hold her close. But she didn't want me for that now. I had promised myself when she first woke up that I would try with everything I had to be the best thing for her. What was the best thing for her now? To go back to Forks? I could leave Alice with her. She would take good care of Bella.

The pain of this decision was excruciating, and if left me feeling empty, like my spirit was dead. I knew deep down in the fiber of my being that it was the right thing to do. I should've done it long ago.

I will leave, and let her live out her life without my interference. It would be hell on earth to be without her, but the pain was worth it. I would say goodbye to my family, and then move on to Denali, or somewhere else far away, so I could not hurt her anymore. She may know that I would never hurt her myself, but I remind her of someone who did. I didn't think our parting would happen because of a nightmare, but it didn't matter. I would…not debate her feelings.

But, I would not go without seeing her one last time.

Tonight, I will try for one last look, one last touch, and then I will leave for home.

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**A/N**- Thanks for reading everyone. It may take a little while for the next chapter- I need to get it just right. Please take a minute to review!


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